
Dear Miss Snark:
Stop posting up pictures of my baby's daddy - my relatives are starting to ask questions.
I have a few questions myself...
Where Miss Snark vented her wrath on the hapless world of writers and crushed them to sand beneath her T.Rexual heels of stiletto snark. The blog is dark--no further updates after 5/20/2007.
Dear Miss Snark,
I'm a new but admiring snarkling who is hoping to get a crapometer critique for a Christmas present. I know you mainly answer questions about query letters and why agents act or respond a certain way, but I was wondering if you wouldn't mind answering a broader question about the agenting biz.
Why aren't there more agents representing inspirational fiction? The inspirational fiction market is a sizeable one that's growing, but agentquery.com lists only 3 pages of agents for the Christian fiction market, as compared to 20 for the romance markets, and 32 for the women's fiction markets. I didn't think twice about the imbalance until reading Kristen Nelson's blog a few weeks ago. She complained about getting queries for Christian romance when she doesn't represent the genre. Until her post, I thought any agent that represent romance or women's fiction would also accept inspirational submissions in those categories but I guess that's wrong (or is it?).
The latest two installments of The Bat Segundo Show, a literary podcast featuring interviews with today's contemporary writers, are now up. We talked with comedian Tommy Chong about his arrest and author Annalee Newitz about capitalist monsters within cultural narrative..
We apologize for the two week delay in fresh podcasts. As Mr. Segundo explains in Show #68, he attempted physical exertion, only to discover that Cuervo encourages an innate clumsiness rather than enlightenment. Further, Mr. Segundo has not yet understood that just because a show is named a certain number, it does not follow that he is entitled to illicit door prizes. Jorge is doing his best to get Mr. Segundo to understand the real world, but, while we admire Jorge's enthusiasm, we fear the worst.
The main Segundo site can be found here:
Here are the details for the next two shows.
Show #68
Author: Tommy Chong
Condition of Mr. Segundo: Recovering from a medical mishap.
Subjects Discussed: Examining Title 21, Section 863, whether Clinton was in power in the 1980s, salsa dancing, the requirements for being an FBI special agent, plea bargaining, prison life, bodyguards, the Bush family, the advantages of celebrity status vs. a common offender being incarcerated, Michael Milken, humility, trying to remember prisoner numbers, respect for victims of disaster, looking at objects differently after prison, Cheech Marin, Up in Smoke, Chong as director, the benefits of pot, Chong as lyricist, Pipe Dreams: The Musical, Eric Idle, conflict between Cheech and Chong, Cheech’s art collection, Terence Malick, Lou Adler, Born in East L.A., Radiohead, and groups vs. individual artists.
Show #69
Author: Annalee Newitz
Condition of Mr. Segundo: Looking for an unwholesome bargain.
Subjects Discussed: Capitalist monsters, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, brain movies, Birth of a Nation, the fear of white power being lost, class warfare, Sawny Beane, the individual impulses of serial killers, Jeffrey Dahmer, the labor tools of killing, the Unabomber, serial killer and terrorist nomenclature, freeway snipers, Fight Club, avuncular hackers, V for Vendetta, narratives involving women who gorge, The Man With Two Brains, Darren Aronofsky, Pi, the labor principles of freelancing, a lengthy argument on H.P. Lovecraft, and the inevitability of decay.
To subscribe to the show with a podcatcher program (for later transfer to your iPod), copy and paste this URL into your program:
To listen or to subscribe to the podcasts through Odeo, you can go here:
Please note: You do not have to have an iPod to listen the show! If you go to the main Segundo site, you can save the MP3 to your lovely machine by clicking on the bat picture or, if you're the kind of person who would rather swing a bat instead of clicking upon one, we do have a user-friendly interface with many options.
Thanks again for listening,
The Bat Segundo Crew
Dear Miss Snark,
In their submission guidelines, some agents ask for the first three chapters of the manuscript along with a query. I think such requests are predicated on short chapters. I have a 300-page novel with 13 chapters. Each chapter is semi-self-contained. I plan on submitting some of these chapters as short stories to literary journals. Here's the page count for the first three chapters:
Chapter 1: 1-33
Chapter 2: 34-57
Chapter 3: 58-77
Although I'm more than willing to "give 'em what they want," I don't want to inflict agents with a pound of paper. What do you recommend, oh exalted one?
Most Enlightened Miss Snark,
You told a fellow Snarkling that her long-bow hobby was interesting, helped you get an idea of who she was. Were you being tongue-in-cheek about including that in the bio? (no) I've heard you say a lot more frequently that publishing creds were all that mattered. Surely this would be a topic to come up later?
I ask because I'm tempted to include cross-cultural experience (which is part of my novel's premise) in my bio, but have essentially written it off as fool's gold.
Dear Miss Snark,
My novel combines elements of alternate history, mystery, fantasy, and science fiction.
My twenty eight year old black coworker thought that the book should be labeled as African American because four out of eight main characters are black.
My thirty five year old wife thought that if I removed the sex scene (not going to happen) it should be YA because the main character is sixteen.
My seventy five year old cousin thought it should be alternate history track because he enjoyed carefully researched parts about World War II the most.
My thirty two year old friend who only reads mystery thought it would do well as murder mystery.
As for me, I think its an urban fantasy because there is magic involved, even thought I attempted to make it plausible to the point that one of the people who read it claims that she was able to stop wrist pain following my books instructions
My fear is that by choosing one aspect of the book and labeling it urban or contemporary fantasy I will shut many doors.
I can see Miss Snark reading my query and saying, Hmm
Interesting
Fantasy? Thats an automatic no. Where is that pesky form letter? Oh, well, this tissue would do, I only used it once. Okay, maybe twice, but whos counting?
Hi Miss Snark:
Can you tell me the importance of novel length for an unpublished author? Are there sort of standard minimums and maximums? If so, can you tell me how certain writers (David Foster Wallace seems to come to mind here) get their first novels published with over 400 pages. I'm a nit-wit, so if you could explain in detail, I'd be oh-so-appreciative.
S.C.
Dear Miss Snark,
I once wrote an editorial in support of a capital punishment bill, in part because writing editorials was my job, but mostly to strut my dispassionate professionalism in front of some newspaper colleagues. It has bothered me for more than twenty years.
In the past you've made sensibly disparaging remarks about Ann Coulter, Bill O'Reilly and Fox News, which is yet another reason I like your blog.
Would you accept someone like Coulter as a client? I have no doubt you could represent her successfully, but would you?
If not, would you represent a conservative writer who is less reckless? Or do you figure life is too short to devote some of it to advancing political agendas or viewpoints you oppose?
And yes, I recognize that only a nitwit would expect an answer that might polarize 49.7 percent of your readership.
Miss Snark,
My toddler just saw the photo of Mr. Clooney on my laptop. She pointed to it, giggled, and said, "That's my daddy!" Hahahahhaa! I SWEAR to you, I never touched your man!
Dear Miss Snark ~
Upon doing a search of your blog I could not find a post pertaining to my question, so I thought I would bare my neck before your stiletto heels and ask.
Namely, when one is writing a fiction query letter to an agent (errr...fiction query letter??) do you feel it is important to include biographical information ... if there is nothing in one's biography remotely interesting? Many how-to sites strongly advise including a bio, but I am not published, I have no credentials, and I don't know anybody famous. I really don't think an agent will care that I train border collies and shoot a longbow, since that's not what my book is about, and the fact that I've read in my chosen genre since I was 10 does not sound terribly relevant to a sales pitch.
Do you have any advice or suggestions for the biography-impaired new author?
Dear Miss Snark,
I was bouncing and flouncing my way around the web this morning looking at various publisher websites and came across one that I thought would be a very good fit for my novel. Reading their submission guidelines they do accept queries directly, and since I dont have an agent (yet) I was considering sending a query. Then I came to the last two points of their submission guidelines:
8. Please allow at least four to six months for your manuscript to be considered. If you haven't heard from us after four months, and wish to make sure your manuscript got here, please write a letter stating the genre, the date of submission, and the title of the manuscript, rather than calling. We will respond promptly.
9. We do not accept simultaneous submissions.
Now, the 4-6 month thing I can handle - they are busy, they have a lot of stuff to review. But... the last point about not taking simultaneous submissions - does this mean they honestly expect me to basically put my novel into "Literary Limbo" for six months and not send it out to anybody else for representation.
Am I misreading something here because this seems a bit much to me. How bad would it be to send to this company but still seek representation elsewhere. They have published some quality books from some well-known authors, but the time frame still seems ridiculous to me.
Dear Miss Snark,
I understand the different types of writer's conferences. I have been to some wonderful conferences and have had the pleasure of working with some wonderful authors such as James Houston and Dorothy Allison. I have been keeping my eye open for conferences which feature agent interviews but whenever I think I have found one, when I start researching the agents that will actually be there, I find that they specialize in Science Fiction, they aren't listed in Writer's Market, or (horrors!) they are not from New York. What's a girl to do?
Dear Miss Snark,
I was at a creative writing course recently – as a published author teaching – and the ex-journalist editor of a creative writing magazine was confidently telling people how self-publishing will work for them beyond actually making sales themselves. Because, according to him, when editorial and agents’ offices have a blitz on the slushpile, telling everyone to grab a handful of submissions to deal with over the weekend, actual books are always grabbed first as being easier to read.
He genuinely seemed to believe this and as far as I’ve been able to establish, he has no links with any self-publishing outfit. Professional courtesy kept my mouth shut and since I wear my hair with a fringe (‘bangs’ in the US, I believe) no one could see how far and how fast my eyebrows shot towards my scalp.
It still sounds like nitwit advice to me. I’d be very interested in your take on this.
Dear Miss Snark:
You have a new, unpublished client. You love her voice, her characters and witty dialogue, the way she uses just enough words to paint a memorable scene. And, despite a couple of plot flaws, you've signed her up because the flaws can be fixed with a bit of rewriting.
My first question: Once this is done, will you then read the entire manuscript again?
My second: Does a re-read take away some of the magic? Would it, perhaps, make you less excited about the story (in this case, women's fiction) because you already know how it ends?
My third: Are you aware your name does not appear in my treasured Roget's Thesaurus, copyright 1975?
Your Snarkiness,
I find myself sitting on several finished novels. None of them are published, but I'm close to finishing my third, and I feel confidant in my ability to retrofit the other two with... shall we say, publishability.
I digress. When I am querying my third novel, should I mention the other two? I know that many people are of the opinion that one is not ready to be published until one has several manuscripts lording over the dust of the third sock-drawer to the left.
While it seems silly to me to mention efforts that went unpublished, I don't want the people I query to think I've never written fiction before.
Dear Miss Snark,
I attend a face-to-face writers' group a couple of days a month. One of the members who is senior to me shared with us the means by which he knows whether his manuscript was read all the way through: he sticks a $5 bill between certain pages. He asserted that the bills always came back. " 'I read your entire manuscript . . .' Yeah, right!" he said.
Of course I know what I think about that tactic (and the one-upside-down page thing, and the single hair between certain pages), and what it demonstrates of the writer's opinion of the person he or she is submitting to, but I don't run the group and I didn't want to cause a scene by pointing out how ill-advised such behavior would be.
So, though I refrained from scratching my snark-itch there, I wonder if you have some thoughts on the topic and if the other Snarklings had heard of, seen, or even (gasp!) tried other techniques to "check up on" the agent or editor.
Off now to nurse my much-chewed tongue.
Dear Miss Snark,
English is my second language and I mention it in my query letter. Do you think I should keep doing it?
Thanks.
Dear Ms. Snark,
I think I have what it takes to be a literary agent--I love reading, know lots of writers, editors and even a few publishers. I've worked in public relations (though not on books) for the past 12 years and know how essential a good "hook" is to garnering attention. In the 80s I was a real estate broker, so I'm too old to work in a mailroom. I've been researching the publishing industry (I know the Booker Prize will be announced today, for example).
I know you're snarky, but hope you'll take a moment to give me your sage advice.
Hello,
I am sending out query letters to try to interest various university presses in my book. I am following their instructions to the tee. Sounds like a silly question but I need to know the answer. Can I staple any of the sample pages together? So far I am just separating various pages with colored paper, as I have done when sending out the entire manuscript. What about with query letters? Can I use staples?
Thanks,
Dear Miss Snark,
I have a newbie question for you. I sent an e-query (preferred method of the agency) with a Word attachment. I did write if they would prefer the query in the body of the e-mail, I could resend it. Since I've been reading your archives, I realize I should have pasted it into the body of the e-mail. Do you think I'm okay or will my query get deleted?