And that as they say is vat...err that.

Brady Westwater's evil twin has escaped the vat.
Spurs still missing.
Vespa riding thugs off to Florida.

Miss Snark is finished with the crapometer.
If you care to vote on some winners, that would make a nice tidy closing.

#1: If you had to pay cash money to see the next 750 words, which entry would you choose?

#2: Which entry reveals Miss Snark is a loon or has no taste, or both.

#3: Which entry was something you'd read despite the hook

Voting in the comment column or by email. About 12 hours for the polls to run. Tomorrow is a work day and I've got to get stuff done or die trying.


teg said...

1. #30 (72)
2. #22 (364)
3. #9 (151)

angie said...

That photo scared the crap out of me. Don't do that, Miss Snark!!!

Kim Stagliano said...

JHC on a popsicle, I don't even HAVE balls and yet I feel something bulgy up in my throat. Who's the polar bear? Uncle Snark???

Joshilyn Jackson said...

I would pay good green American cash for

Doctor Egglometus, Evil Overlord

I would say it was for my son at the store, but I would sneak and read it, too.

BenPanced said...

#54 (38)

I read the hook and the sample with a silly grin on my face.

Anonymous said...

1: #49 (526)
2: #50 (177) or any of the YAs
3: #36 (518)

With Hammer And Tong...The LetterShaper said...

I have so enjoyed my trip through this site; as a poet and an avid reader, I found it both enlightening and enriching...Thank You!

Anonymous said...

Kim, honey puddle. If you can stand "bulgy up in your throat," this ole' boy is just a grinnin' like a jackass eatin' briars to meet ya!

Haste yee back ;-)

Oh, Lord... confession again. Forgive me Fodder, I have... yep I have!

Anonymous said...

Nice fins!

Ryan Field said...

#1. #39 (361)I'd hate to see this not get out there.

#2. #52 (561)(but not because anyone is a loon or has bad taste :)

#3. #9 (151)

Anonymous said...

A Spurs sighting was reported in Chicago, but it was a false alarm. The real Spurs never showed.

/Snarkling pushes disgruntled NBA fan away from the computer/

Ok, ok. I'll go read/vote now!

Anonymous said...

Bravo Miss Snark! This has been a delight. I can only say that I'm grateful I wasn't ready to toss my hook in the pond. Very educational and I sense nothing but gratitude from the Snarklings.

As to your questions:
1. #42 (604) was captivating. I know you want to beat the writer for straying, but the story was too good to let a little backstory get in the way.

2. Hook #318, yes, the formula hook. So many of the hooks you selected strayed from "the formula" I can only surmise it's subjective. If it's a genre you like, the writing sounds good, you'll read on.

3. Hook #430 sounds like the type of book I used to read as a kid (as long as the synopsis held up). #318 was a close second (same thing there, if the synopsis held up)

Thanks again for your patience MS. You've earned a year of guiltless bashing of authors.

Anonymous said...

1. #54 - Doctor Egglometus
(runner up was #50, Shooting the Moon)

2. #22 - Sunshine KIds. American Psycho it ain't. An Annoying Kid who dreams of peeing on everyone trying to win a sales contest did not fly with me.

3. None

Note: I don't know anyone who entered and I didn't enter. I read all the entries (and I'm tired).

LPA said...

1. #34 - Even though I didn't love the writing and I don't normally read YA, I love the character and the concept so much that I would take this book to the cashier lickity split.

2. #18 - I liked the writing, didn't think it was "rotund". Plus the character was charming.

3. #42 - The hook was fine, but didn't look like my kind of book. The writing changed my mind. Good and grim, although I agree that there was a bit more rain then necessary.

mai said...

1. #56 (389)
2. #44 (533)
3. #55 (487)

happyhookervoter said...

1. #34 or #22
2. #24 (loved the hook, hated the 750 words)
3. ???

Zuleme said...

#1 Moonface and Smell
#2 Keep the first chapter of Moonface and Smell
3# There wasn't one I would read despite the hook, though there were some I'd read on because the hook was good.
The other ones I would read
#11 the girl ghost in the hall, snappiest writing and easiest to get into for a fun read.
#10 About Beaker the cat, I might read but if the cat is murdered I'd drop it in a flash. No murdered animals.
#13 The Peas on Earth is just too funny so I'd pick that up in the library and I enjoyed the character.
#5 Pieter and the chessboard I would pick up in the library but the opening needs to be more intriguing quicker and I'd want to see more of a set up as to why they go to the haunted house.
#34 the vampire teenager I might try though I am not really into vampire books.
#58 Cheney going back in time is just too funny, I'd pick it up and laugh.
My tastes are obvious from this list, I don't read crime and I don't like nasty characters, except for Smell, who just seems like a nice, snarky cat. I like snarky cats.

Anonymous said...

1. Loved: #54 (38) The clockwork cat

2. hate #58(611) Tired political satire. It'd be dated by the time it hit the stores.

3. #53 (548) Hook didn't get me, but the pages did. Scary little sod.

delilah said...

That is a funny, f---ing picture! Unfortunately, I think it just brought the pervs out of the woodwork.

LPA said...

1. #34 - Even though I didn't love the writing and I don't normally read YA, I love the character and the concept so much that I would take this book to the cashier lickity split.

2. #18 - I liked the writing, didn't think it was "rotund". Plus the character was charming.

3. #42 - The hook was fine, but didn't look like my kind of book. The writing changed my mind. Good and grim, although I agree that there was a bit more rain then necessary.

Stephanie Zvan said...

1. 21 (52), although it would be 20 (317) if I liked reading that sort of story more.
2. 29 (519) There's a self-mocking quality to the bitching that appeals to me.
3. 36 (518)

Kim Stagliano said...

Anon, tempting as your offer may be, bulgy UP the throat is quite different from bulgy DOWN the throat. Capece? Enjoy the briars.


Inkwolf said...

#1. I would DEFINITELY pay for more of #20: Green Oozing Corpse with a Side of Fantasy Music Hall Detectives. :p

Interestingly, that would also be my #3, because the hook didn't grab me for that one at all...

I remember several times thinking Miss Snarl was nuts to pass on certain hooks, but I can no longer remember which those were.

Soni said...

I want to read #11 (ghost girl in the hall) and #50 (Shooting the Moon) with a keen and growing appetite. Both of those hooked me and took off with me flapping in the wind behind them. May I have some more, please?

Anonymous said...

Best hook & pages: Doctor Egglometus #53(548).

I can't find the one that made me wonder if MS wasn't still drunk.

I'm sorry to say that many of the problems I saw in these 47,038 hooks wouldn't have happened to writers that read constantly. Maybe a strong reading commitment really does produce a strong writer.

Thank you MS for all you've done and thank you brave writers as well.

good luck, and read more dammit!

Tattieheid said...

1. #34 (231/227) Vampire boy

2. None. There was nothing I disagreed strongly enough with you to merit calling you a loon. (In Scotland a loon is a young boy btw.)

3. #20 (317) Green ooze + weird investigators :)

Other favourites -
#53 (548) Psycho Frank
#54 (38) Doctor Egglometus
#44 (533) Moonface + Smell

I would probably buy the books for these five but #34 and #20 would tempt me to pay per chapter. :)

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry to say that many of the problems I saw in these 47,038 hooks wouldn't have happened to writers that read constantly. Maybe a strong reading commitment really does produce a strong writer.

All right, you smug little bugger, where's yours?

It's "who read constantly" not "that read constantly." Maybe your constant reading should include a grammar book.

Mark said...


McKoala said...

1. Read more - #36
2. Don't get Miss Snark - #58
3. Read despite hook - #36 again. Didn't even notice the hook!

Thanks, Miss Snark. It's been amazing.

Anonymous said...

My vote for handing over cash to see the next chunk o' text:

#43 (565)

(Lulie with the maybe-magic ring...)

The sample was great, but when I checked back and re-read the hook I was even more, well, hooked.

Best of luck to the author on her or his journey getting this published.

ello said...

1. - 54 the Dr. Egglometus and 20 both were awesome.

2. 47, I couldn't believe you liked it... that whole Satan thing and the set up was too obvious. Felt like a run down for anothe bad lawyer/devil joke. Too bad, thought the hook was good.

3. the ones I liked also had hooks I liked.

Thought this was a great run through. Thanks.

Aristotle said...

I'm with anon. No, not that anon, but the other anon. Reading regularly has nothing to do with what we saw in the hooks. Much of this is authors that don't know what a hook is. Expecting a new author to know by some magical means exactly what a hook is comprised of is a stretch. I would hope that most of these people will continue to learn and develop their knowledge of the publishing world as well as the world of writing.

And, that picture is really freaky MS, why did you do that?

I'm not going through all the entries again to come up with the "winners" I went through the ones others have brought up on the comments and, of those, these are my favorites:

1) #54 Go Doc Egg!

2) Nothing. You're not a loon, you're a saint!

3) #430 I love assassins.

I also want to thank every author that was brave enough to send in an entry. Whether it was bad or good, it was appreciated.

LadyBronco said...

Oh dear Dog;
Please stop posting stuff that makes my eyeballs bleed!
My life just flashed before my eyes.

Anonymous said...

1. HH Com Rd 2 #54 (38)

Brady Westwater said...

Alas - my evil twin brother did escape the vat.

When I got home, my refrigerator was empty, my spurs from e-bay were missing and I had a rather... disturbing... text message from my girl friend.

Also - while we are facially identical - we do NOT have the same bodies. I attempted to upload a JPEG of my butt to demonstrate that, but for some reason... my computer crashed, repeatedly, when I did that.

But I shall continue to try.

1. #34 (even though the snot nosed little kid does not have a proper respect for Country/Western music)

2. #30 - I suspect an early appearance of menopause caused this lapse of judgment; it's the only possible explanation.

3. None.

Virginia Miss said...

1. #29 (519) & 52 (561)
There were many good mid grade and YA entries, too.

2. #22 (364)

3. #40 (588)

canwag said...

Anon - it's easy to make nasty comments when one remains anonymous, and there is a big difference between constructive criticism and just being catty.

Miss Snark: I've been reading your blog for only a couple of weeks, but I have to tell you I've learned more from your blog than almost all the other sites put together, with the possible exception of Publisher's Marketplace. For someone who has built a reputation based upon "snarkiness", you have an awfully huge and giving heart. Bravo!

enzero said...

1. #53. Runner-up #20
2. #40
3. #36

Anonymous said...

1 and 3 - Cash money for 36 (518), the less-than-tightly-wrapped guy with the lucky charms. The hook didn't interest me at all, but the writing's just so superb that I would keep on and on reading whether or not I gave a damn about the plot.

I'd probably also pay for more of the one with the dead guy whose girlfriend's neck smells like cinnamon (sorry, too sleepy to go looking for numbers) and the one with 'We don't know why he ooze goo, but he do'.

2. The main point where I went 'You WHAT?' was on the one with the girl solving murders while holidaying on a boat in a bikini, or whatever it was. I honestly couldn't see what Miss Snark liked about the hook.

Crystal Charee said...

1. #22 (364) -- #11 (249/246) was also excellent. Oh, and #36 (518)!
2. Pass
3. #30 (72) -- I think there was only one Satan hook out of the many that were kind enough to include the father of lies that I liked, and this wasn't it. But the writing is fabulous.

There was a lot of really fantastic writing in this crapometer, kudos to everyone who made it to the second round and those who should've made it to the second round (like hook #413).

JPD said...

#1- Short answer: Hook# 72 was by far my favorite. The first pages were slow, but I would pay the postage for additional pages of Daphne's life in hell and on Earth, based on the hook alone.

#2- MS missed the boat on the "insurance adjustor with the messy office" who is investigating a claim of employees lost at sea..." That was a nice, tight, hook, in my opinion.

MS missed the boat on the story of the Carol Kaminski, who can't keep her pets alive, blacklisted by the local pound as she inherits "Lucky" from her Pastor and has to keep the poor thing kicking, despite her bad pet-karma.

MS missed the boat on the grocery store trying to drive sales in a small town as they rally around their registers, and their customers...

All of these were great hooks, in my opinion.

JPD (MS is not a loon, she is a benevolent goddess trapped in the body of a human literary agent... Perhaps I'm the loon...)

Bonnie Calhoun said...

I, er, uh...had voting suggestions, but after the *shudder* bare butt and hairy armpit...I've forgotten!

Sheesh, I wonder if the parts in the snow got frozen!

Anonymous said...


Was I supposed to be keeping track?

Southern Writer said...

I'd pay good money to read (properly edited, of course):

#5 (92)
#6 (100)
#10 (173)
#11 (249/246)
#13 (35)
#29 (519)
#39 (361)
#43 (565)
#47 (275/272)
#51 (188)
#54 (38)
#59 (483)

#10 (173) is one I would read in spite of the hook.

With apologies to Miss Snark, those I disagree with her about are:

#29 (519)
#51 (188)
#59 (483)

Except for these three, which I liked, I will say I agree with nearly every edit Miss Snark suggested.

Thank you again for all your hard work, Miss Snark. You must be so relieved to have it finished!

Alley Splat said...

1. 20 or 53 (dead heat)
2. None, actually.
3. Sorry, don't have time to go back and look!

Zany Mom said...

I'd pay cash money for the dead girl in the school hallway with the kyped stuff to return, Caroline the PTSD survivor, the girl with the magic ring, and the one with the creepy guy on the bus selecting his marks. Oh, and the one where the guy tried to poison someone (his mother?) then has the nitro in the basement...

Where I didn't agree with Miss Snark was the Dick Cheney thing (not into political satires at all -- yuck), and the one with the Beavis and Butthead guys in the bar with the pink bunny slippers. I found that one dreadful.

There were a few that MS didn't pick that I thought had promise, though the hook wasn't perfect.

If I remembered them out of 700 crapometer entries and 40 sets of pages, then the authors did their jobs.

~Nancy said...

1 - #54. I even liked the 2 beginning paragraphs you said to chop off. (Runners up: #32, #11, and #8.)

2 - #30. I actually liked this one, while the Great Snark did not.

3 - #36(518). So-so hook; the first 750 words was much better.


delilah said...

I think Miss Snark should make the bare-butt guy permanent, posting his ass right next to the dog. That way we'll always know where we can go for a laugh.

Just a thought.

Brady Westwater said...

As long as everyone understands it is NOT an accurate representation of my but....

Anonymous said...

Oh ... my ... dog.

Just how much antifreeze did that man drink????

Here in northern Nevada where night time temps have hovered at 0, that photo almost made me shriek. It also made me wonder what bits stuck in the snow when this guy tried to stand up.

Excuse me, please, I must go Lysol my brain ....