1.07.2007

HH Com Rd 2 - #28 (278/276)

Hook here


The crestfallen men filed in and settled around the bristlecone conference table. Henry Winston slammed the door of the huge magical oak tree behind them. Henry knew it was Launye's fault, but she had her nose in the air, exuding an aura of innocence. Typical.

"We've lost the contract and have been penalized the advance again. At this rate we won't be able to cover the cost for Launye's magic water," James Winston said, dropping his law books and contracts on the table. Henry narrowed his eyes at the fairy. Launye was acting oblivious. Also typical.

"Why did you kill them?" Henry asked.

"I swear I didn't do anything to further that unicorn's demise," Launye said.

"Then lightning just happened to kill the unicorn and all of its kin at the same time?"

Launye fixed her eyes on him and then charged forward. She kicked him firmly on his nose.

"That's for doubting me. I told you I didn't kill them. It just happened."

"You don't think I know that the unicorn called you, 'a fucking imp with wings on a stick' and you didn't kill it and its kin for that? That's like telling me that Suck Ass Verse Law Agents can find their mouths with both hands."

"Yeah, well, regardless, they deserved it. Besides, what proof was the magic water you gave me? I could have saved them," Launye said.

Henry ignored Launye's string of whining. He yawned as an insult. Why couldn't the woman be like the others and just shut up? Henry eyed the new invention that Wyatt was tinkering with --a gun-- and wished that he could use it on Launye. Then he could have fairy kabob.

"...incompetent insolent imbecile," Launye finished. Took her long enough. He turned towards the fairy and affected the best superior expression he could summon.

"Dust mites of a feather should flock together. Fairies on wing should learn better. Which is exactly why I'm docking your magic water supply to a liter!"

Launye's face puffed up, and then with the full force of her body, rammed head first into his nose. He yelped. "You know I die without at least a barrel of magic water."

Forget fairy kabob, it was going to be fairy charcoal by the time he was done with her.

"Yeah, well, I feel like forgetting this time. So a liter of magic water." The door of the magic tree opened and closed. Tom walked in with his older twin Gene. Henry took note, but still focused on the fairy.

"So what did I miss? Did you guys get a room yet?" Tom asked. Henry stared Tom down. Gene groaned and kicked Tom in the shin. "What?! It was a legitimate question this time. Don't you think it will lighten people's moods?" Tom asked.

Henry was going to reply when the screen behind the banister blinked. Wyatt got up from his seat to activate it, but it clicked on by itself. The CEO of IDIOT Network's fat face filled the screen. "I hope you don't mind the intrusion, but I would like to know if you are still bitter at me."

"Banishing us to a backwater planet as part of a media circus ploy? Who would be bitter?" Henry asked.

"Given that I helped you escape SUCAVL agents this time, I was hoping you would forgive me. I heard you killed the last remaining unicorns on Kirin IV," the network CEO said.

"Wyatt, turn it off," Henry said.

Wyatt put down his invention and ran up the stairs to the screen. He typed a few things into a keyboard and shook his head. "He's ghosting the signal. I can't reverse it."

"I can give you all pardons permanently if you will just listen to my daughter and take up her deal," the network CEO said.

The screen clicked off and filled with a line of cleavage. "Daddy, is it on now?" a female voice asked. A soft sigh echoed through the room. "It is? Hi, I'm Isabelle," a blonde said sitting down. She tossed back her hair and then smiled wide. "I want to make a reality show on your company. We will cover all costs of magic water, give you a 500 million dwehper advance and pardons for any illegal activities done on the show. Henry, James, so will you accept?"


There are some odd constructions here "string of whining", 'take up her deal" "kabob" that make me think this is constructed in a second language.

The hook was fresh and vivid, but not very informative. At the very least I need to know if this is YA fantasy or intended for the grownups (so to speak).

I like this idea; I'd read the pages but man oh man, those odd words and phrases don't bode well for the copy editing.

14 comments:

A Paperback Writer said...

So, this is Artemis Fowl for a slightly older audience? That's what it sounds like, a bit of a Fowl rip-off ('scuse the pun, please). Still, I was interested and read the whole thing, so you've got something going for you. Perhaps it will be less like Fowl as you go on with it.

Anonymous said...

Will we get an email telling us our pages have been recieved? I recall it saying as such in the FAQ but, ya never know.

Virginia Miss said...

I loved the hook. The writing could be a little tighter: just show, don't tell so much. For example, instead of

Henry ignored Launye's string of whining. He yawned as an insult. Why couldn't the woman be like the others and just shut up? Henry eyed the new invention...

Just say

Henry yawned and eyed the new invention...

And the way you use the word "docking" is strange. Don't say "docking your magic water supply to a liter" just say "docking your magic water"


You introduce a lot of characters: Henry, Launye, Tom, Wyatt, Gene, CEO, Isabelle...do you need to bring so many on this soon?

Tattieheid said...

I found this opening a bit confusing and I don't know who was more irritating Henry or the fairy. I think Virginia Miss makes some valid points about thinning it out a bit for the sake of clarity. I would probably read on but if I still found it hard going would just put it down.

Martha O'Connor said...

This is a little thing maybe, but as far as your MC's name is concerned... I keep thinking of Harry Winston. Diamonds, diamonds, diamonds. Just wondering, is this intended?

Good luck with your writing... :D

McKoala said...

I got confused trying to adjust to the locale and number of characters being introduced. It was a bit too much too soon and left me with a ton of questions. Love the rough fairy though.

LadyBronco said...

This story made me skim, and that is never a good thing.
I had a hard time following what was going on.
Too much introduced too soon and too many people to keep track of right off the bat. I honestly can't tell if I would like this story or not.

A Naughty Miss said...

The crestfallen men filed in and settled around the bristlecone conference table. Henry Winston slammed the door of the huge magical oak tree behind them. Henry knew it was Launye's fault, but she had her nose in the air, exuding an aura of innocence..." Maybe it's just me, but when I first read this, I stumbled over figuring out who "she" was. Henry is a guy's name, but Launye isn't obvious as a girl's name, and then there's the repeating of the name Henry, two consecutive sentences beginning with "Henry..."
(I'm not generally this nitpicky, but since this yanked me out of the story at the very beginning, thought I'd mention it.)

My eyes glazed a bit as I read the second paragraph, and then I woke up at, "Why did you kill them?" And then...unicorns being struck by lightning and someone's being blamed for it. Cool! (Now if we could just get rid of the vampires and those baby-on-board signs, I'd be real happy.)

Launye fixed her eyes on him and then charged forward. She kicked him firmly on his nose. I got confused here. Is Launye a kick-boxing goat?

And then as I tried to read on, well...I guess I'm just not getting it. "Besides, what proof was the magic water you gave me? I could have saved them," Launye said. The magic water was proof? Proof of what? I'm completely bewildered at this point. I skimmed ahead to see if anything jumps out at me, but nope, I'm at a loss.

There's the ring of a good idea here, along with the potential for some fun quirky humor, but it's all lost beneath a pile of clunky phrases and an awkward flow of dialog.

Anonymous said...

I was totally involved in this--and I have no idea why, because it's not my usual reading. But it was just plain fun.

Smiles for the author.

Author said...

All I will say is this:
- Didn't read Artemis's Fowl or probably any other book people keep trying to compare it to.

- Not YA.

- Winston is a kind of cigarette brand (I don't smoke). Round about joke is made later... So Winston is intentional, Henry is intentional.

Thank you to all comments made (and to come). It truly helped me to look towards improving my writing more. Good luck to those who come too!

I especially thank Miss Snark for hosting--even if it was to gain Satan's favor. You did a great service for the people here and probably to the future writers at the writer's conference you want to gain favor of with your gin and stiletto heels.

Mark said...

"settled around the bristlecone conference table."

Did they raid the National Monument to get this wood?

Bella Stander said...

Too many 50-cent words; they jar the flow. New rule: Don't put "crestfallen" and "bristlecone" in the same sentence. Ever.

ObiDonWan said...

Kind of an interesting storyline but way too confusing. I wonder if "author" edited her 750 words before submitting to Snarkville so she could get in more plot points and if the original is a bit better?

writtenwyrdd said...

I have to ask...why a bristlecone pine? It made me pause to wonder why anyone would pick the oldest living thing in the world and make a table out of it. Despite your characterizations, I still didn't find it a useful addition to the story.

I had a bit of trouble following this, but liked it enough to want to read more. Still needs editing, though.

Good luck. And I like this better than Artemis Fowl.