1.20.2007

In The Beginning

One day Miss Snark was minding her business, giving her ficus tree its daily watering and bemoaning the Ginmaker's Strike when a query arrived at her door:

Dear Agent:

I wrote a fiction novel. It is 183,000 words and is about a boy and his cat who get abducted by aliens and go to live on the planet Zicam. I know you don't represent science fiction, but I think you will make an exception for my book because I put years into deciding on the perfect font and I used a spellchecker.

Call me and we'll arrange terms of contract.

Sincerely,

Alfred E. Neuman

"Hark! What's this!?" Miss Snark barked. "I've had it with these nitwit writers, they don't know anything! I can't handle it anymore. Since the Ginmaker's Strike, I just can't cope."

"Yap!" cried the poodle.

"I know! I'll start a blog, like everybody else in the world and get this off my chest!"

"Yap!" cried the poodle.

"I can't put my name on it, though, 'cause you can only snark in private. In public everything has to be gumdrops and lollipops, fluffy clouds and that awful glitter these numskulls keep sticking in their queries to grab my attention."

"Yap!" cried the poodle.

"I'll start an anonymous blog. I'll give myself an anonymous name and post my anonymous rants. Nobody will pay any attention, but I'll go and post there whenever something annoys me and it will be my little secret. My little, obscure secret. And once the gin deliveries are back on a regular schedule, I'll close it down and nobody will be the wiser. It won't take any time at all."

"No. No time at all. No time at all..." Miss Snark stroked the poodle, while those little Fairies who sprinkle Doomsday Dust over our best laid plans flitted from one corner to the next dropping unicorn stickers as they went.

The poodle chuckled. Miss Snark tossed him a Liver Treat.

"And what shall we call you, my pretty?" she mused.


(from the pen of the low slung gin fizz ironed underpants spinetingler babe)

22 comments:

kitty said...

In the beginning, Miss Snark created her blog. And the blog was without form. And the spirit of Miss Snark moved upon the face of the blogosphere. And Miss Snark said, "Let there be a crapometer." And there was a crapometer.

Killer Yapp said...

and it was good

pjm said...

And on the seventh day...

No, actually, she never rested again.

Anonymous said...

And now we all worship at St. Snark of the Flaming Tresses. The door is never locked, there is no entrance fee, but there is a possibilty our souls will be mercilessly crushed by a sharp stilletto if we do not demonstrate good writing and good sportsmanship. Forgive us, St. Snark, for we have sinned, some of us for far more than 750 words....

nitwitness said...

You'd think she'd just...ya know...create two new weekend days. Then the crapometer could be done every week, since she'd have a longer weekend to....I hear teeth gnashing.

*runs away*

Laura Ware said...

"once the gin deliveries are back on a regular schedule, I'll close it down and nobody will be the wiser."

Too late for that, Miss Snark.

Far, far too late. :-)

Anonymous said...

...those little Fairies who sprinkle Doomsday Dust...

Let me pay Miss Fizz the highest compliment one writer can to another:

Geepers, I wish I had thought that one up! :-D

angie said...

Y'know, I'd figured out who wrote this waaaay before you gave her credit.

She needs to stop goofing around and get over her cold!

Anonymous said...

liver treat, hmmm... with fava beans and chianti?

Haste yee back ;-)

Anonymous said...

ha, ha, ha

Anonymous said...

Ah, geez...ya coulda fixed the punctuation.

Cyberian Snark

Bill Peschel said...

Ah, the origin story. All superheroes must have one.

Alley Splat said...

Lovely.

Ironing underpants? Now that's displacement activity...

The Rejected Writer said...

is there something wrong with ironing one's underpants? I enjoy that crisp, warm feeling...

A Naughty Miss said...

Seriously, are there people who actually include glitter in their query letters?

Never mind. Dumb question.

verypoodleyyours said...

That is not a poodle.

Anonymous said...

I can see it now: HOW TO GET A BOOK DEAL OR WHY YOU'RE STILL A NITWIT by Miss Snark. This should be the introduction.

Marti said...

giggling (while throwing glitter in the air)

Bonnie Calhoun said...

Spinetinglers and bunions what a great way to have fun!

E. Ann Bardawill said...

I know that voice...

I've heard it before!

Mom... is that you?

pjm said...

What the hell is an iron?

Anonymous said...

ummm ... you're supposed to take the underpants OFF before you iron them ...