1.09.2007

Mail

Greetings, Miss Snark,

If you ever get a break from crushing nitwits beneath the heels of your stilettos, while reading crapometer pages and sipping gin, Elizabeth Bear and a few of her writer friends had a discussion about honest rejection letters. It's quite funny.


Thanks for being so great.

PS All the best to Killer Yapp. I sent him a little something to help in his crusade against the evil attack squirrels, but I suspect Homeland Security or Customs has impounded it... Who knew it was illegal to send canine-operated rocket launchers through the mail?



Killer Yapp: "Miss Snark!"

MS: Yes, KY, what is it..more important, why are you up at this coffee forsaken hour?

KY: Door! Delivery!

MS: WTF?

KY: Big! Biped!

MS: WTF?? *peering through peephole*

(from exterior)

"Open Up! We know you're in there!"

MS: Holy G-man, KY, it's a raid! Hide the bathtub gin!

*opening door*

Uniformed employee of the US Postal Service: Ma'am.

MS: Miss Snark bub

UEUSPS: I have several packages here for you.

MS: You came to my door for this?

UEUSPS: Signature required, certified delivery.

MS: It's a damn query letter! Two, no three in fact!

UEUSPS: ID please.

MS: I need ID to get certified mail at my own door?

UEUSPS: We're tightening up in this new world of threats everywhere.

MS: Will my distillers license do?

UEUSPS: That photo doesn't look much like you.

MS: It's 5:42 am, I look Cotton Mather after a brimstone binge at the Presbyterian Bar and Grill.

UEUSPS: The postal service never sleeps.

MS: Yea, I can see that.

UEUSPS: oh, and here are some other things addressed to Mr. K Yapp.

MS: ID? Signature?

UEUSPS: No need. It's not certified, return receipt requested.

MS: It's a rocket launcher.

UEUSPS: It's stamped "media mail: book"

MS: It's three feet long

UEUSPS: It's stamped "media mail"

MS: It weighs 200 pounds.

UEUSPS: It's says "media mail"

MS: The return address is Rocket Launchers R US!

UEUSPS: Look lady, it says media mail, it is media mail. Now, give me your thumbprint and one more piece of ID for the certified mail and let me get out of here before that dog burns a hole in my pants with that cigar.

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

Link broken! Please fix!

Carrie said...

"Look lady, it says media mail, it is media mail. Now, give me your thumbprint and one more piece of ID for the certified mail and let me get out of here before that dog burns a hole in my pants with that cigar."

Oh, I needed that this morning!! That's great...

the green ray said...

Miss Snark, I'm also up at a God-forsaken hour. We must have a psychic connection. That link doesn't work - it has Miss Snark at the beginning of it. Thanks.

writtenwyrdd said...

"It's 5:42 am, I look Cotton Mather after a brimstone binge at the Presbyterian Bar and Grill."

Have you been borrowing my mirror again, the one I cracked by looking in it?

Bernita said...

~howling in delight~

The Rejected Writer said...

I just got this keyboard...

damn you MS!

Laura Ware said...

LOL!! Oh, that was a delightful story to wake up to!

Luc2 said...

I guess the Postal Service is the same over the whole world. It made me think of this guy in Cheers. I think Cliff was his name. And then you had Newman in Seinfeld. These folks find them self on the wrong side of too many jokes.

Thanks for making me smile!

kitty said...

When my son was 15, I took him to a political rally at our local mall. As we waited 2 hours in line to be allowed entry, I noticed him fiddling with a pocket knife.

THROW THAT AWAY!
No!
DON'T YOU KNOW THEY'LL CONSIDER IT A WEAPON?
I don't care. I traded some good stuff for this and I'm not getting rid of it!

So I told him to be honest when they asked him questions.

Once inside, we waited to pass through a metal detector. But first, we were asked a lot of questions. After interrogating me, I passed through unscathed and waited on the other side for my son.
The first question:
What do you have in your pockets?
A knife.
Okay, go on.
They didn't ask to see it, nor did they ask anything else. They simply let him go.

He grew up to be the family anarchist.

Word Doctor said...

Ha Ha! Nice way to start the day, Snark. I think it's great, by the way, that you are free-thinking enough to allow your dog to smoke. Not only to smoke, but smoke cigars. Pet owners everywhere should be so kind.

blogless_troll said...

I thought smoking was illegal in New York.

Kate Thornton said...

Thank Dog it's the work keyboard! It needed replacing!

BenPanced said...

I didn't know KY smoked cigars! It makes me like him even more.

Sherryl said...

The Australian Defence Forces are missing some rocket launchers. Now we know where at least one of them is (or did KY refuse to accept the parcel?).

Dave Kuzminski said...

Um, rocket launchers don't weigh that much. Also, they can be considerably shorter; like about 18-20 inches and telescope out to the full length.

By the way, the P&E Readers Poll is now open (I hope).

Sha'el, Princess of Pixies said...

Bill E. Goat: You're back! Where have you been? And who was that masked woman that was feeding me?

Me: I was took a vacation. I spent a week in the luxury My Lady of Perpetual Torture Hospital getting manicures and pedicures and ... the mask? What mask? Forget that! What's this?!

Bill E: It's a military surplus catalogue. I ordered it from somewhere. It came with these cool foreign stamps! See? Anyway, I'm going to order some stuff.

Me: What?

Bill E: I'm looking for a Nuka-A-Cat, or what ever they call it in Russia. That barn cat you feed is just nasty. I'm going to blow that ...

Me: Leave the cat alone and she'll leave you alone. Do I need to negotiate a treaty?

Bill E: We're past that. It's time for some aggressive action.... What is this thing? It looks deadly.

Me: It's a port-a-potty.

Bill E: I wonder how long a cat can hold its breath....

Me: Bill ....

Bill E: Because I could shove her in ...

Me: Bill!

Bill E: Huh? What? Listen, you can't stop me. Killer Yap has his own rocket launcher. He takes it with him to Central Park. He says he's the scourge of all cats and rats.

Me: Bill? How are you going to pay for this?

Bill E; Ebay. I'm going to sell the donkey on ebay. Kinda take care of two inter-species problems at once....

Bonnie Calhoun said...

LOL...that was hysterical...Maybe Miss Snark missed her calling as a comedy writer!

verification: spyip