1.30.2007

This isn't a beveraage alert, this is a beverage WARNING

I'm having trouble settling in to work today.
Maybe I'll go for a bike ride.

Maybe not.

43 comments:

Ric said...

Take the warning seriously before reading this.

Tears from laughing so hard.

Kate Thornton said...

I prudently stuck my keyboard under the desk on the floor as I read that, to avoid damage. But I had tears streaming down my face and was convulsed with laughter. My boss thought I was having a siezure.

BuffySquirrel said...

My cousin NotAnEvilMutant has a different version of that story.

Anonymous said...

That's by far the funniest thing I've read in a while.... too bad I didn't heed your beverage alert. My poor desk....

Carter said...

Damn you! Everybody in the Library is staring at me as I choke and cry. I gotta get outta here before I wet my pants.

Rainbow's Margarite said...

Killer! Bazai! Let's go get this mutant squirrel! I'll bring my big brother for extra back-up!
Maggie Bichon

Katie said...

Squirrels are scary. A couple of years ago, a squirrel crawled around my backyard flat on its belly for like three hours. It was the creepiest thing. First I thought he was dead, but he was fine. He was just sniffing for squirrel crack or something.

Demon Hunter said...

ROFLMFAO! Oh my! I am crying at work at my computer. I'm not supposed to even be on the Internet! LOL!

Anonymous said...

Oh my! Whew! How very amusing! I'm afraid I've ruined yet another keyboard by spewing steaming hot Starbucks Gold Coast coffee onto it, before convulsing with laughter and smashing my head into my monitor. I spastically flailed and fell out of my chair kicking and screaming with near mortal hilarity before soiling my drawers.

Not really.

Kim said...

Oh. My. God.

That was the funniest effing thing I think I've ever read... it took at least three tries because I was crying so hard from laughter!

One time, my husband and I took our daughter to a minor league baseball game and ended up with a half a bucket's worth of peanuts (still in the shell). They were just going to go to waste, so I put them out on the back deck and sat back. Sure enough, one intrepid squirrel discovered them. After burying most of them in my flower planters, he proceeded to come right up to the back slider, stood up on his hind legs, put his front paws on the glass, and just stared in at me. And I mean STARED. He must've been there half an hour before giving up.

A few days later, he came back (I think it was him, hard to tell, as they all kinda look the same) dug up his peanuts and then came BACK to the slider. I swear, if he could reach the doorbell, I think he'd have rung it. He must've told a few of his buddies about the good eatin', because he came with a gang.

I don't put anything out for them anymore.

The Rejected Writer said...

MS, I believe your posting of this link may have caused the site to crash. Now I can't read it and wet myself like others have. I feel so left out...

Heatherlynne said...

Argh, I can't get to the link! And after reading all these comments about hilarity, I feel like such an uninitiated newbie. Which I am. So I guess that's all right then.

I even put my grape juice back in fridge.

Sha'el, Princess of Pixies said...

All I got out of this was "access forbbiden to rude robots."

I may be rude, but I'm not a robot. There are no pixie robots. I don't use IE as my browser. So fine!. HA! I'll go find my own funny story .... somewhere else.

Robin said...

That was hilarious. Great find.

I'd say that my kid thinks I'm crazy now, but I think we gave that elephant a magic feather quite some time ago.

Thanks!

Josh said...

*snortle snortle snortle*

Anonymous said...

Too bad people with Internet explorer aren't allowed on the site. Apparently we are mistaken for rude robots and must change our whole operating system to be allowed in.

A message that I'm wasting too much time here, I guess.

December Quinn said...

I can't see it. Apparently I'm a rude robot because I use IE.

Anonymous said...

A friend of mine lived on the second story of an apartment building and had a deck. One day she had the door open and the screen was closed, a squirrel was on the ledge of the deck looking around and she tapped the screen to get rid of the squirrel. Well, I guess the squirrel took exception to that because he jumped on the screen, dug all four sets of claws into the door and continued to hiss at her. She screamed and slammed the door shut.
She never opened it again as long as she lived there.

Rashenbo said...

Got to watch out for those EVIL MUTANT squirrels!!!! They lurk behind every nook and cranny... just waiting to ATTACK! :)

Anonymous said...

Thanks Miss Snark -- funny, funny!

I keep picturing a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser. Can't seem to get this image out of my mind.

Same goes for that crazy mixed-up rodent. It's my guess that it just wanted to go home with the large man on a huge black...

Lorra said...

Again with the squirrels!

My beloved Bunny-Boo used to dangle from the handle on the slider. How I pine to glimpse that lovely sight one last time.

Pismo Clam said...

I don't know what's on the dude's site, but he's some kind of elitist creep. He won't let anybody onto his site whose computer uses Internet Explorer, and he says if you think you should be allowed on the site you should send him an e-mail containing some weird code. I did, twice, but the e-mail was returned because I'm "NOT Authorized." Please don't put stuff on here that's only for some geek elite without warning us. It ruins a perfectly nice afternoon.

Anonymous said...

Here's a link to Daniel Meyer's website. Apparently he's the author of this gem.

http://lifeisaroad.com/stories/2004/10/29/
neighborhoodHazardorWhyTheCopsWontPatrol
BriceStreet.html

(You'll probably have to remove the returns to get the link to work)

Anonymous said...

Poor guy. This isn't as far-fetched as it may seem at first.

Squirrels can be incredibly agressive, particularly if their young are threatened.

Local homeowners have discovered, to their chagrin, what happens if they repair a hole in the roof and block mama squirrels access to her off-spring nesting there.

Google it, if you don't believe me.

Mama Bear has nothing on Mama Squirrel.

Zany Mom said...

Miss Snark rides motorcycles?? In her stilettos? Cool!!

canwag said...

We had to put my beloved hound Polly to sleep last month - she had cancer - but all her life she was trying to warn us about the "killer squirrels". She'd lay on the back of the couch (all 70 pounds of her) and growl every time she saw one. Your vigilance has finally paid off, Polly Girl!

Dave said...

bravo, bravo, bravo!

Divine Bird said...

Oh dear dog, that was awesome. My dad HATES squirrels (he'd probably get along with KY just fine) and I sent the link along to him. I also tried to read it out loud to my husband, who wasn't near the computer, and ended up choking halfway through from laughing so hard.

Awesome.

McKoala said...

What's with the squirrel-bashing? Leave my sweet little razor-clawed, fang-toothed cousins alone.

A Paperback Writer said...

Now THAT is the making of a good urban legend. Okay, so it's apocryphal.... but it sounds so real. Great stuff.

Anonymous said...

Miss Snark:

Sometime could you comment on something I have read about. In several articles editors say they have first readers sort out those queries which contain - get this - THREATS for special consideration.

I have never threatened anyone (and would be afraid to open my mail if I did.) But I cannot help being curious. What kind of threats do people send? Are the most gifted writers the ones who threaten people? Editors say these writers get special consideration (i.e., not thrown directly into the trash.) Do books pitched with threatening letters get expedited to publication? And is that what hard boiled detective story writers and writers of stories about terrorism and the Mafia use? Did Sammy the Bull threaten people to get his book in print? (Good book, by the way.) Do agents threaten people?

No matter what your response, I do not intend to threaten anyone. I may use an occasional exclamation point (after all, computer geeks call those symbols "bangs") but that's as far as it goes!!!

!!!!!

! awa!t your comments w!th considerable !nterest!!!!!

suky said...

I found it particularly disturbing since yesterday I was listening to an old This American Life with a story of a rabid raccoon (http://www.thislife.org/pages/descriptions/06/319.html). I am now very nervous about letting the dogs out to chase squirrels.

Judy said...

A special thanks to the anonymous commenter who posted the direct address. It was much appreciated.

Lorra said...

"What's with the squirrel-bashing? Leave my sweet little razor-clawed, fang-toothed cousins alone."

Mckoala, you are now my new best friend.

Anonymous said...

I laughed like a lunatic at the cops exploding out of their cruiser...but I do think the story was a little, no, greatly exaggerated. C'mon, squirrels are not fearsome beasts. They're pests, period. (Yes, I've had them nesting in my attic and it was a real pain getting them out of there--humanely.) Of course you don't want to pick one up. (Who the hell would?) But, gimme a break, they aren't going to attack you! You writers are so imaginative.

Tara said...

I loved reading this story and knowing that others are tortured by squirrels as well. Last winter, I had a squirrel crawl under my hood, set up nest and chew through some very important wires in my car's engine. The mechanics just shook their head as they charged me a little under a grand to fix it. Not content with doing this once, I had the same thing happen again a few months later. The kicker...I know exactly what squirrel did this because he would come up to my patio and taunt me. His beady eyes were filed with hatred and I could tell that he was laughing at me. I will never again feel any remorse for running over a squirrel. They're all in on it anyway.

Anonymous said...

I guess humor is subjective, but I thought that was incredibly dumb.

Bella Stander said...

I didn't find this funny. All I could think of is the world of hurt the writer is in for once he learns he's going to need rabies shots (at least!) as well as Band-Aids. And that the killer squirrel is not the only rabid animal on Brice Street. [shudder]

Anonymous said...

As the owner of the linked site, I can give a word of explanation for the people who get the 'rude robot' message: your browser is behaving like, or is identifying itself as, one of the nasty-bots I've had to deal with in the past. I have no problem with IE (Internet Explorer); IE isn't blocked from my site.

Send the information on the 'rude robot' page to me at ROUS@CPAN.Org and I'll either fix it or explain what about your browser makes my system dislike it.

Anonymous said...

To those of you who took issue over the "I use Internet Explorer" thing: Keep in mind that not all websites are created with all browsers in mind. Some sites look better through different browsers, and some not at all.

"Too bad people with Internet explorer aren't allowed on the site. Apparently we are mistaken for rude robots and must change our whole operating system to be allowed in."

Also keep in mind that downloading a new browser to use for your surfing pleasure doesn't mean you're changing your entire operating system. I suggest to try the Mozilla Firefox browser---it employs a popup blocker, which can cut down on your loading time (esp. if using dialup service). It also uses multiple top tabs when you have many sites open at once. If you want to click on a link to venture off, you can control-click to open the link in a new window without leaving the current page you're on.

You don't need to change operating systems to have an enjoyable Web experience---that's a bit overdramatic!

Kim Stagliano said...

Oh my God! I am about to burble up dinner. Kiss the Maybelline great lash goodbye. Fabulous!

Melissa said...

This reminds me of another true squirrel story:

http://www.shady-acres.com/susan/squirrel.shtml

Emma said...

I think I almost died laughing at that... Oh my dog...