2.05.2007

Tell em you like the nitwits...look what happens

Dear Miss Snark,

I’m an aspiring author and have studied the publishing industry intently. Despite a lot of negative talk floating around out there I only see four tiny little problems with the industry: Authors, agents, publishers, and book stores.

I’ve decided to streamline the process and eliminate a lot of those problems. I’m going to self-publish. Except I mean REALLY self-publish. I bought a huge high speed copy machine and three pallets of copy paper. I’m busy now printing copies of my 500,000 word novella.

To turn a profit I’m going to have to sell 100,000 copies of my book for $89.95 a copy. I know the math might seem flawed, but to be honest I think I paid way too much for the copy machine.

So tell me the truth. Am I a genius, or what?


Or what, indeed.
Miss Snark is actually quite smug about her decision to invest in Xerox after reading this.
Quite smug indeed.
Whir little print drum, whir.

24 comments:

Bill Peschel said...

Someone's a genius at leg-pulling, I suspect.

"500,000-word novella" ***snerk***

Simon Haynes said...

Joke away, but that's exactly what I did a few years back. I bought a heavy duty duplex laser and printed off my own book blocks (laid out side by side by side.)

I paid a print shop for the covers, and I paid a professional binding shop to put them together.

I used to run off 100 copies at a time, then revise as required and run off another 100 when the first lot went.

That's what I call self-publishing. Everything else is molly-coddling ;-)

Brenda Bradshaw said...

Is that a real email you received? Is someone truly THAT ignorant?

I hate when Darwinism fails.

Dragonet2 said...

I shouldn't even read this at home. ROTFLMAPO, PIP. What a asswit fscktard....

Anonymous said...

Um, you guys don't think that's a serious email, do you?

Saipan Writer said...

LOL!

Whir, little print drum, whir--has to be some of your best poetry yet, Miss Snark.

Luc2 said...

LOL
This is so funny. And more so now some people are not sure if this real or a joke. A genius indeed.

#1 Dinosaur said...

Brenda: OMG, get a life!

I'm sure that email was as much fun to write as it was to read.

takoda said...

Genius, I hear ya'! But I'm surprised you wittled the problems down to only four. What about those pesky, demanding readers? Sometimes I wish people would stop writing for them and let them just watch television. Oh wait, T.V. requires writers too. Hmm, conundrum here.

And those libraries? What an attitude! As if they carry all the world's information! What about the internet! I haven't stepped foot into a library in years. I won't let me kids go in those nasty places either!

Speaking of kids, what nasty little clients they are! They should've topped your list. If it's not putrid or horrid then they're not interested.

I'm sure I could go on, but maybe others would like to chime in.

Nobody said...

Is it a fiction novella?

Anonymous said...

Good start, takoda, but you forgot the big one: WORDS! This is the crux of the problem. Get rid of them and we're all fine.

Brenda Bradshaw said...

Originally, I rolled laughing thinking it was a riot of a joke. Then I remembered a guy about six months ago who mentioned doing this when I told them the steps he should take to learn the industry better. And he wasn't the first, so no, it wouldn't surprise me at all.

Hi, Simon!

Bernita said...

I hope his truck has a good set of springs...

Simon Haynes said...

Hey, I learned a lot about the publishing industry that way - especially the part about getting publishers to do the publishing while writers do the writing.

(Those books I printed in 2001 earned me a publishing contract in 2004, so the end result was a happy one.)

Cynthia Bronco said...

Why was there no beverage alert on this one? Why oh why...

eric said...

I bet my printing press and 1,000,000 word short story that this is in jest.

The Rejected Writer said...

takoda, I must differ with you on one small point ... according to those who run the television industry, writers are an incidental overhead expense. Directors and actors are all that really matter!

So let them watch TV!

Bonnie Calhoun said...

I'm really hoping this was meant to be a joke, but considering how many people I know that have walked this same avenue...Hi Simon...it could possibly be true.

Fact is always stranger than fiction.

Daisy said...

You call that self-publishing? I've got myself a good old fashioned printing press to put out my books. And I'll tell you, this movable type is great stuff.

Brenda Bradshaw said...

Exactly, Bonnie.

Simon Haynes said...

Of course it's a joke. 500,000 word novella. $89.95 a copy? 100,000 copies from just three pallets of paper?

I'm shocked anyone was uncertain.

Johnny Relentless said...

Hey guys:

Don't pay $89.95

I'm sure a few used copies will show up on Amazon.com for $4.95 real soon.

jnr said...

reading 'whirr little print drum whirr' made me inexplicably happy.

Tracy said...

Fabulous post.
I am owed $12.99 for a keyboard.
Wait . . . I mean $50, the ergo kind. Yeah, that.

Also:
Dragonet2 said...
I shouldn't even read this at home. ROTFLMAPO, PIP. What a asswit fscktard....

Hmm . . .

R - olling
O - n
T - he
F - loor
L - aughing
M - y
P - _____
O - ff

Wow . . . sounds painful.

And, hi yet again, Simon!
Mr. Popular today, no?

:)