3.15.2007

Nitwit of the Day!!

To Whom It May Concern:

Space Ark!, a great science-fiction novel, is now ready for representation to publishers or producers including having been professionally edited, copyrighted via the U.S. Library of Congress and registered with the Writers Guild of America.

We cordially invite you to visit our web site, where the book is featured, and whose URL is listed in the automated signature of this e-mail, to begin your consideration of it.

Already during the book's self-publication phase, 2,790 copies of its original manuscript have been sold! So, hurry to be the first to be able to rep the book if you're an agent, or publish it if you're a publisher, for its debut in physical book stores and in e-stores on the Internet.

A copy of the manuscript with digital color cover and inside illustrations is not free to publishers or agents. You MUST purchase a copy of the ENTIRE BOOK via our web site to peruse it. No sample chapters will be sent; no exceptions. No author biography or synopsis will be sent as all such preliminary info. is available at www.spaceark.net. If you do not want to begin consideration of the book via our web site, then we're not interested in dealing with your company; no exceptions.

We have no qualms about obtaining the modest retail price for the book's manuscript, plus shipping & handling,($35.00!) before sending a copy of it to any prospective agent or publisher whom expresses interest in the novel since many actual or ostensible agents have requested from $250.00 to as much as $500.00 in up-front fees from us just to begin consideration of Space Ark! That just barely covers our costs of printing and binding, etc. anyway. You should be willing to make a minor investment on an item whose potential for manifold return is great! If not, then we're not interested in doing business with you.

Please don't ask for any up-front fees as they are illegal, immoral and unethical and we therefore will not pay any such bogus fees regardless for what purpose they are requested; and again: no exceptions. Thank you for your cooperation.

There you have it: all the whys and wherefores of our basic policies and standards; you have yours, we have ours, and ours preside if they're incompatible. Meaning that would be a win/
lose situation because this book will be published; it's too important not to be! So, it's just a matter of whom will choose to publish it and thereby also be a winner making that a win/win outcome for both parties! The only question remaining is: will you be a winner?

Having expressed the mutual essence of an agent/client relationship, you can choose to work with me to change this hurting world through the ideas in Space Ark! Or, ignore the opportunity to free yourself and this whole world and simply remain part of the problem
rather than a force working for the solution!

We thank you for your interest in Space Ark!




well, that's one way of doing it!

And Spaceboys, if by some chance you read this, here's a clue: legitimate agents do not charge fees to read your manuscript.

146 comments:

Elektra said...

This has to be a joke. Right? Please?

Elektra said...

I love the random use of 'whom' throughout. It gives it such a scholarly feel, don't you think?

lorralaven said...

Okay, I know what happened: one of those squirrels we've been making fun of is mad at us, so he made up this letter because he wanted us humans to believe it was real so we would look really, really stoooopid.

Ask Killer Yapp if that's true - he knows how wily those furry little varmints can be at times.

Anonymous said...

Wow!

bostonerin said...

From the web site's "Space Ark! Overview' (I checked it out because I'm a glutton for punishment):

Then, with some telepathic dolphins whom cheer their heady plans to exit their world.

There are no words.

Pass the gin pail, please.

Anonymous said...

They should have started it "Dear Ms. Snark..."

Right?

Can't really see any other problems.

kitty said...

Space Ark!

Anonymous said...

Years ago I worked as a literary assistant in a regional theater. We got a science fiction submission (we accepted unsolicited scripts, rare in the theater world) whose title I forget, but whose synopsis contained the line:

Captain Vundar!! Is a Fruitcake!!!


Captain Vundar may have been a fruitcake, but I suspect his creators live.

(sorry if this comment is a repeat: i had to verify twice.)

Anonymous said...

I was hoping it was a joke, but apparently not. Yikes.

Elektra said...

Okay, sorry so many posts, but this just cracks me up!

"So, hurry to be the first to be able to rep the book if you're an agent, [good to know you can be the first of what will, apparently, be a long line of agents to rep the book] or publish it if you're a publisher [darn, you mean I can't publish it if I'm an accountant], for its debut in physical book stores and in e-stores on the Internet. [As opposed to all those brick-and-mortar e-stores.]"

Brady Westwater said...

The website is even funnier than the letter! Go to excerpts and read the first sentence. Or, at least... try to read it.

Johnny Relentless said...

I have to disagree with your "Nitwit of the Day!!" title.

"Nitwit of the Year!!" would be more like it!

Anonymous said...

Check out the first sentence of the excerpt:

Oceana's triplicate synthetic recreation from the Space Ark's registry of binary data was the first Being to be regenerated from the Terrestrial Ark's deep well of androgynous doubles and carnal genetic ancestors.

StyleyGeek said...

Oh my dear lord. I would have hoped at least that in writing and editing his/her "105,000 Word Symphony of Inspiration" this writer might have learned some basic grammar and capitalisation rules.

Whom [sic] let them loose with the breathless cliche machine?

Anonymous said...

Not a nitwit -- just a wit on a fantasy trip that many of us can share.

Anonymous said...

You mean it WASN'T a joke??

Anonymous said...

Wow! This is truly a priceless gem -- though not in the way the author intended. Awesome.

Anonymous said...

If that isn't a joke, I'll eat all of those exclamation marks because seriously - you'd have to pay me money to read that crap.

dan said...

There is genius in this. Is this for real? Might it not be some kind of weird work of capital-A Art? Something about that website... something about the sentence "DISCOVER the marvelous essence of the amazing pilots whom fly those powerful spacecraft!" ...

It's like Stephen Colbert's Alpha Squad 7: Lady Nocturne: A Tek Jansen Adventure. Or if Kilgore Trout came to life, and bothered to try selling his work, it might look like this.

I think this is something special. And I am not sure I'm being sarcastic. If it were under $10 I think I'd buy it, just so I could put it on my coffee table and have an excuse to yell Space Ark! a few times a week.

Calissa said...

For real? You mean not a joke? I was seriously thinking Miss Snark was going to put this in her Amused catagory.

Wow. Just... wow.

I have to say, I'm amazed. It's like all the worst things you could do ever in a query I've ever read about, wrapped up in one.

A Paperback Writer said...

Tujunga, CA? Where the heck is that? Perhaps it's where the Jedis train their younglings.
Actually, I think the opening paragraph of the excerpt would be a wonderful exercise in ennunciation and articulation for a speech or drama class. Just try reading a couple of sentences out loud and you'll see what I mean; great care is necessary to get any of it out of one's mouth.
Wow. Well, this was ... uh... very interesting.

Julie said...

His overview bored me to tears ... I quit it after the first sentence and a half ...

Cujo said...

I'm actually tempted to buy a copy so I'll have something inspiring to look at whenever I doubt my talent as a writer.

My favourite line from the exerpt: "Then, pyramids also were built upon their moon Charm!"

Anonymous said...

My favorite line from the overview on his website:

"The amaranthine mission has some very mystical encounters with some very mysterious Beings during its exceedingly long journey."

Yep... exceedingly long journey. That's just what I want to be reading for my $35. I love his cover, too.

Tracey said...

oh my giddy aunt - this is the most priceless thing I have seen in a long time. I was in need of a good laugh and this provided it. Tickets on himself much? Not only is it not personalised to the agent - it's not even personalised about the Author. If it WILL be snapped up by every editor/agent on earth who is fighting each other to get to it (sorry image of agent and editor gladiators in a big areana just popped into my head - hmm maybe a book in that) then why self publish in the first place? Pretensious and disrespectful loser I say.

Gerri said...

This reminds me of a script I read where a flying land whale took two guys on a trip through outer space to put together a gizmo that would allow the ocean mammals to escape the evils of humanity.

The two guys, well...One was into Farting and F*&^ing (with something about a rubber chicken involved), and the other guy spent the entire script complaining about it.

Then the last 3 pages turned deadly serious.

I can't get enough brain bleach to forget the dang thing.

Anonymous said...

What language was his excerpt translated from? Good lord!

Anonymous said...

Here's a quote from his bio:

"I metriculated at California State University at Northridge (CSUN)"

That must have hurt.

Kim said...

Oh. My. God. Words fail me.

I thought this had to be a joke - then I went to see for myself. I think I cracked my jaw when it hit the desk.

Can someone explain why space was capitalized on the home page? I couldn't read on - just couldn't make myself click on the button.

Wow - I guess words didn't fail me after all.

Anonymous said...

Arrgh. This is the kind of stuff even reputable agents must feel that twinge of greed from reading. Sure, I'll read the crap whom you have wrote. But, I whom are you potential agent must get paid inspiritional dough to wade through your inability to use pronouns, your prose as clear as custard and your apparent attempt to destroy the otherwise broad and intelligent genre of science fiction. Though, for some reason, the whole tone of the excerpts, the website and the open letter to agents/publishers smacks of 'Wanabe Sci-Fi Cult Leader'. L Ron Mother Hubbard. A Raelien clone cult clone.

Miss Snark said...

L. Ron Mother Hubbard!
oh dogs, you crack me up!

eluper said...

This email is far more entertaining if you read it with a 50's robot/alien voice. All the "we's" make it sound like "they" are planning to invade earth!

This one made me laugh!

Eric

Mark said...

This may be the nitwit of all publishing time.

"I metriculated at California State University at Northridge (CSUN)"

Yeah anonyminniemouse I did so what of it? Instead of the WTF I have another version: FU. This nitwit didn't mention his or her alma mater here, so who was this aimed at? I have a clue to posit.

Miss Snark said...

Mark, it's not the school, it's "metriculated".

It's spelled wrong.

Mark said...

"Tujunga, CA? Where the heck is that?"

I must really be missing something because I live in Sunland-Tujunga, California. It's LA. We have one literary agent that I know of and proximity to, yanno, Hollywood and the valley where every actor and screenwriter lives and is reperesented. WTF?

Mark said...

Christ on a cracker, I can't vouch for the neighbors. I mean, what are the odds? I thought it was an ad hominem. In the words of Roseane Roseanadanna, "Never mind."

Anonymous said...

You guys all have it wrong. If you read the letter backward, as if it were written in Hebrew or Arabic it makes sense.

Will anyone spot me $35 so I can buy a copy?

Stephen Parrish said...

He's sold 2790 copies? Whom bought them? His Amazon sales rank (as of this post) is 5,028,614.

Mark said...

It's spelled correctly, but he needed to use "graduated" instead. I looked at his website, and boy, I'm embarassed to be that close.

Ebenstone said...

Good googly moogly, some people really are delusional aren't they. Can I pitch a non-fiction book about people like this right here, right now? (I guess I'd then have to include myself!)

Editorial Anonymous said...

I laughed until my eyes watered. Can't wait to show the other editors!

Mark said...

"Tujunga, CA? Where the heck is that? Perhaps it's where the Jedis train their younglings."

Not to beat a dead horse, but this is the neighborhood where Spielberg filmed ET, and "Whirlybirds" among others. It's in more TV and movies than you know. This guy isn't involved, but I was in a number of them.

Miss Snark said...

Mark, derling, metriculated is spelled correctly only if you ere a nitwit.

A is for aardvark, Vanna White said
E is for elegance, which doesn't need to be said
I is for ignorance, or ignoramus, you choose

O is for original and Miss Snark's famous fuse.

U is for uncaring, of spelling I am.

Y is for why not, and this, cause I can.

Anonymous said...

I stopped reading the opening page at "DISCOVER the marvelous essence of the amazing pilots whom fly those powerful spacecraft!"

Bad grammar was shoved aside by hot speculation about the nature of pilot-y essence--which sent my mind right into orbit (making a change from where it is usually to be found in the gutter).

Anyone got a tissue--?I have essence all over my keyboard!

Anonymous said...

AACK! It reads like he bought a dozen boxes of those magnetic poetry words, threw them at an innocent fridge, then copied down whatever landed face-up.

Give me a million typing chimps coming up with Hamlet.

Please.

r louis scott said...

Holy Crapamoly...

OK, I don't know about anyone else here, but I'll chip in five bucks towards getting Miss Snark her very own copy of this...this...ummm...masterpiece. I think we owe her at least that much.

I think.

Someone else is going to have to take care of the shipping and handling though, I don't want that thing in my house.

Anonymous said...

From the reviews:

Moreover, have you published any other work since 1992?

bwahahahaha!

Writerious said...

Heh heh hee hee heee BWAH HAH HAH HAHAHAHAH!

::snerk:: Wow. That was amazing. The brass. The naivete. The arrogance. The astonishing array of adjectives and adverbs sprinkled with an extremely generous hand. The terms and conditions. The...

... oh, crap. This guy's getting free publicity and loads of hits out of this campaign, isn't he?

The sneak.

Don said...

The reviews are entertaining as well. The "agent" who commended it so highly is, of course a scammer, as a cursory search on "Austin Wahl Agency" will verify.

Writerious said...

Oh, and another gem: One of his glowing reviews is from the Austin Wahl agency, about whom Preditors and Editors says:

"Austin Wahl Agency: Charges fee. Not recommended"

This really has all the fascination of a traffic accident, doesn't it?

desert snarkling said...

Hey, I can tell within four words of the excerpt I don't want to read this! Which I guess saves me $35. :-)

desert snarkling said...

Has anyone looked at his reviews page? (http://www.spaceark.net/reviews.html) If I'm reading it right, he quotes text from one of his rejection letters.

Michele Lee said...

I was going to join the blasting, but it's just too sad. Fifteen years working on this? This is someone who is too excited to do the proper research. someone who is going to hit a very nasty wall when he picks up on his mistake. That's not something I want to add to. Of course, it's also not something he'd listen to any of us on.

Bella Stander said...

Mark, Emily Litella said "Never mind!" Not Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Space Ark forever!

Greg said...

Darnit, someone else spotted "metriculated."

And oh no, that excerpt…

2nd sentence: "Her three natural human sisters, whom the Androgynyns resurrected within bioreactors from the dust of Hearth, went on to resurrect all her brothers and sisters from the Earth including her Androgynyn Twins Destiny and Dreamer whom had been created while the expedition was still in Space to complete those new Flying Pyramids!"

Gotta love those Flying Pyramids…

Anonymous said...

I was 100% certain this was a joke... then the website...

Oh god. It could still be a joke, right? A really, really complex joke.

Deschanel said...

Is there some kind of humane shelter for horribly abused exclamation marks?

(Pop quiz: name one successful book/play/film/interpretive dance piece with an exclamation point in the title. Time's up. You can't, there aren't any.)

This post made me realize the relation of "aghast" and "ghastly", as well as, "gag me".

Anonymous said...

Wow. Someone went through a whole heck of a lot of trouble for this April Fool's joke and a whole month early too!

Brady Westwater said...

Tujunga was well known for it's UFO sightings back in the 1950's; a serious book was written on those cases called 'The Tujunga Canyon Contacts - which describes a series of encounters that supposedly took place over a twenty-year period.

So it must be something in the water....

Pam said...

But oh, the clean up. Mind you, a million chimps may learn to clean up after themselves. Can you imagine cleaning up the mess on the Space Ark!?

Nell Dixon said...

This made my day. Brilliant!

Anonymous said...

More to the point, 'matriculated' means 'enrolled in' not 'was graduated from'.

heidi said...

Oh my giddy aunt!

That is bad. That is really, really bad. Atlanta Nights was far more readable than this. And that one was done deliberately.

1. There are too many twenty-dollar words crammed too closely together.
2. The grammar structure is too complicated and it affects the rhythm in a negative fashion.
3. There is no protagonist. Who the frell are readers going to identify with?
4. Just in case the readers didn't figure out what was going on the first three times the author explained it, he's explained it a fourth time. In the same paragraph.
5. This novel has never seen the inside (or the outside, for that matter) of a crit group. I suspect the pay-for-hire bookdoctor or editor took the money, cut and run.

The industry is all about networking. It's about schmoozing with our peers, and catching up on the goss. That is why we read Miss Snark and the others. That is why we subscribe to Critters and regularly browse Preditors and Editors.

Not only is this how we learn the craft, but we learn the market and also what our audience may be.

Alas, I fear Space Ark! has not had the benefit of growing up in a house that believes in network and peer review.

This does not require a clue gun. This does not require a clue cannon. I recommend a full vaccination on the scale that wiped out smallpox, and one copy kept under secure lock and key as a warning to future generations of writers.

Two words for all apprentice writers: peer review. Don't forget it, don't neglect it. Your peeps will keep you on the strait and narrow.

Anonymous said...

OK, we can laugh. And I did. But what's scary is this: anyone who sticks it out in the writing business has to be a little delusional. The only difference between his bizarre bravado and, well, all the rest of us is talent--maybe. Most of us don't really have that either. So we can really only fault him for his bravado. Look in the mirror tonight and ask yourself: what if my book is almost as bad as "Space Ark"? Because it probably is.

Chris said...

Oh my - isn't the internet a WONDERFUL thing??? That we can all read and laugh and share this stuff? That this donut (you have to feel sorry for him) can show to the whole world just how bad unedited writing can be?

I just feel so, so happy that, even if I never get published, at least my writing isn't as bad as THAT!

This guy should get an award for giving out so much happiness and so selflessly making himself look such a berk!

Alice said...

DISCOVER the marvelous essence of the amazing pilots whom fly those powerful spacecraft!
JOIN a fantastic expedition to seek and witness firsthand the sacred mystery of Creation!
ENCOUNTER the unknown dangers those intrepid explorers must face while battling
every obstacle on an audacious quest to prove their Multi-Cosmos Theory as they
endeavor to save themselves and other endangered life from their native world!
FLY beyond the far reaches of a cosmos, and glimpse the Creator of another!
LAND on a virgin world in new heavens where stardust dreams of genuine
freedom, authentic democracy and justice for all at long last come true!

Holy Moly. I read plenty of SF, and I wouldn't touch this with a bargepole. I love the cheesy web-design, too - it looks like SPACE! with MULTICOLOURED FONTS!!

Tia said...

Just for the fun of it, I ran the first page of the excerpt through Word's readability statistics:

Averages
Sentences per paragraph 7.0
Words per sentence (27.2 (!)
Characters per word 5.4
Readability
Passive sentences 28%
Flesch Reading Ease 27.6
Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level 16.1

In other words, unreadable.

Niles said...

Surely if he has "metriculated" that implies that he is still there? Of course he singularly fails to mention what he matriculated into, only where the 'ceremony' to place. Maybe, for the love of Klono, the local speculative fiction society should organise a lynch mob. Or at least expel the offender from their order.

I'm afraid I made it through the first paragraph of the excerpt before my dyslexia kicked in to save my sanity.

Shannon said...

Graduated claims a different level of achievement. Matriculate means to enroll, and is likely the more accurate term in this case.

As far as I can tell, a Muriculate is a type of cancerous tumor. That could have been what he meant as well.

Ben said...

I had dealings with this gent when I was a publisher and I chronicled the exchange, trying to spare his blushes. This was Christmas 2002 and he had sold 1,938 copies. Now he's at a stellar 2,790 copies four years and three months later he's obviously primed for the big time.

Anonymous said...

Wow. Did anyone actually email him how bad his "novel" is? I read the the excerpt and it is pretty bad. And by pretty bad I mean really bad. And of course by really bad I mean comically awful.

Anonymous said...

From the synopsis - second "sentence".

The futuristic adventure begins in the year 2015 A.D. upon planet Earth where a very gifted breed of industrious scientists and a number of very talented Space engineers are engaged zealously in developing that world's next generation of Spacecraft whose propulsion will be a radical departure from the jet propulsion produced by conventional rocketry.

Auntie Penultimate said...

Dear Miss Snark,

Would you please represent my eventually-to-be written novel? It is totally unlike Space Ark! Need I say more?

If you'd like to read it, you can use your ESP on my mind to uncover the entire novel. You can then type it into your computer, print it out, and read it. I won't charge you for it like the Space Ark! author as long as you send me a copy when you're done. I'll even pay for the postage, if you remember to bill me.

Elektra said...

From the reviews page:

"Received autographed copies of your book and already sold all of them here in the Ear Nose Throat Clinic."

WTF...Is the Space Ark escaping a plague of strep throat?

Beth said...

This isn't a query letter, it's a suicide note.

A gun held to the hapless head of his attempted writing career.

And this part, dear Author--

A copy of the manuscript with digital color cover and inside illustrations is not free to publishers or agents. You MUST purchase a copy of the ENTIRE BOOK via our web site to peruse it.No sample chapters will be sent; no exceptions.

--is where you pulled the trigger.

Detail Muse said...

Wow, it's writing-editing-publishing 101 (not), all in one post.

Thanks, Miss Snark!

the poopie says said...

The only question remaining is: will you be a winner?

No. No I won't.

elfje said...

Gosh, I wonder how it feels to be a "scientist personage" chosen from "among the R & D facility" and have your "DNA culled." Also, what the heck is up with all the siblings, I lost track somewhere in the seventh clause of the third sentence. Or was that the eleventh clause of the second?

And is the third review real? I could hardly believe the others, but that one was just too weird to be true. Right?

I really needed a laugh! Thanks for the opportunity, Miss Snark. This was one great nitwit.

word ver: ypbvf= You Prove to Be a Veritable Fool. Appropriate, no?

Chris said...

In response to deschanel's pop trivia question, yes I can:

"Oliver!" won 5 Oscars in 1968 (but you'd have to be an old bugger like me to know that)

Memo to Snark Central: Start saving up for centrifuges - we need to develop a clue-ICBM and launch it at California asap...

Bernita said...

Did I read him right?
Agents and/or editors have to pay to read his " Precious"?

Anonymous said...

This could be the "Plan 9 from Outer Space" of literature. Goes to show the democracy of the internet. Ed Wood required a budget of $1000s to get his stuff out to public. Space Ark! required only sweat equity.

Anonymous said...

You know what the worst of this is? If he's sold 2,790, even at just $20, that means he's made well over $55,000. If he's *really* sold that many at £35, that's almost $100K. I mean, talk about WTF!!!!

katiesandwich said...

Holy f*@king cow. What can I say that hasn't already been said? The "whom"s killed me, but they killed everyone else, too, it seems. And cujo said: "I'm actually tempted to buy a copy so I'll have something inspiring to look at whenever I doubt my talent as a writer." Ditto. I really needed this today!

Nitwittery is not the word for this. The clue gun and cannon won't be enough. We need a clue missile for this one!

BuffySquirrel said...

Them!

Yes, I am a smartarse. Yes, that is why nobody likes me.

Yes, we can have a long discussion about the meaning of "successful".

As for the Space Ark!--anyone got a clue nuke?

Elektra said...

Doesn't Oklahoma! have an exclamation point?

Carla said...

Look in the mirror tonight and ask yourself: what if my book is almost as bad as "Space Ark"? Because it probably is.

Self-awareness is a wonderful thing. I *know* that even my first book wasn't this bad. It wasn't publishable, but it was a decent start. I also *know* I can't sing, can't dance, and can't play a musical instrument.

I think what amazes me most is that the absolute worst writers in the world can be the most oblivious and arrogant about their work. But I'm not entirely certain this author is all there, mentally.

Anonymous said...

My eyes! Ouch! I wish I hadn't checked out his website. Poor bastard.

bjh said...

Aw, come on, people, didn't you read the last? Any agent not willing to take on this writ- er, person who hits a keyboard with fingertips, at least, is part of the problem in destroying the world.

Modest little fellow, isn't he? Does he truly believe his prose is so astounding that any agent or publisher would be willing to work with such arrogance except a scammer? Everyone who believes he will dismiss all 80-plus comments as ignorance and jealousy, raise your hand.

Wow. What a swoosh of air that was!

You wrote a book. You wrote a bad one, and you're still trying to establish yourself off of it. Deflate that ego, write another novel, humble yourself a little to take the advise of agents/writers/readers/etc,learn your craft, and actually try to be a writer as you apparently aspire to be.

BTW, a poorly-written and/or generic review is not ideal for using as advertisement.

Anonymous said...

Miss Snark, will you tell us if you hear from him? Based upon Ben's interaction with him, I think it could be entertaining and instructive for one and all.

Thanks.

Beth said...

Pop quiz: name one successful book/play/film/interpretive dance piece with an exclamation point in the title. Time's up. You can't, there aren't any.

Oklahoma!

But that's the only one I can think of!

Anonymous said...

I think my brain just melted.

BernardL said...

On the review page, this gem appeared on the last review: 'Received autographed copies of your book and already sold all of them here in the Ear Nose Throat Clinic. Thanks so much. We need lots more!'

The website is hilarious. I should have done one like it for my self-published SF treasure. :)

Lauren said...

*says in Simpson comic guy voice*

Worst query letter EVER.

I just about cracked up reading the website and everyone's comments. I sort of felt sorry for the guy until I realized that he's actually serious about all this. Sheesh.

Anonymous said...

Pop quiz: name one successful book/play/film/interpretive dance piece with an exclamation point in the title. Time's up. You can't, there aren't any.

Do the ChipsAhoy!(tm) commercials count as interpretive dance?

http://www.nabiscoworld.com/Chipsahoy/

No, I don't work for them. I was just thinking about the exclamation point.

Anonymous said...

I did hear back from him three times after I wrote once to give him some helpful advice since he lived in my hometown. He wrote a one page letter about google supporting the Chinese and that if I was posting on Miss Snark's site I was supporting the Chinese too which makes me and Bush (I don't know how Bush came into the conversation) a Nazi. It was long, it was rambling, it was full of bitterness and anger. Thank God I gave him the email address I never use.

Kim said...

Pop quiz: name one successful book/play/film/interpretive dance piece with an exclamation point in the title. Time's up. You can't, there aren't any.

Hot Shots! and the equally exclamated sequel Hot Shots! Part Deux

sure - probably not the most highbrow art, but I think one or the other was kinda successful...

Anonymous said...

Good golly gosh, this is right up Publish America's alley.

Anonymous said...

That's hilarious! I agree with Elektra in that I hope it's a joke!

Mark said...

OK "a" instead of "e." Check. There's quite Google search for the mispelled version though including ahem... the CSU catalog so, maybe everyone is an idiot?

Ryan said...

Gracious. And I thought I was bad...

What cracks me up most, though, is that he's under the impression that he's letting the agent represent his book.

Anonymous said...

Guards! Guards!

by Terry Pratchett.

Elektra said...

Anonymous, I got the same letter about supporting the Chinese gestapo.

The Grump said...

Has anyone been able to read this exchange without laughing?

Thank you all for a great read.

Thank you Miss Snark for sharing.

mai said...

That is f'ing funny. What's more, sounds as if it were written by a former pal, and the image that arises, of him at a table, glass in hand, brainstorming this new frontier in self-flogging, is priceless.

BikeProf said...

Wow. Some of the worst writing I have ever seen in my life, and I teach writing to college freshmen. When I was in high school, my psych class to a field trip to a mental hospital, where we were able to speak to the inmates. One of the schizophrencis talked exactly like this guy writes. Scary.

Anonymous said...

Wow! Now THIS is inspiration. I wish I was so inspired by something for so long...

I was inspired to write the science fiction novel featured upon this web site by an "unidentified flying object" I saw in the early evening sky in the summer of 1989. I began writing the book in 1991, two years after witnessing the mysterious incident, and finally put the finishing touches on it fifteen years later in 2006.

Anonymous said...

the only thing that would trump EVERYTHING that we're saying would be if this IS a scam...imagine sending the $35 and getting NOTHING in return. Who'd be laughing then???

River Falls said...

Okay, he may be delusional beyond belief, but it doesn't seem like he's actually harming anyone. Doesn't that count for something?

[crickets chirping]

Anonymous said...

I am in shock and awe. I was completely convinced that this was a really good spoof letter until I saw kitty post his website.

I'd been intending to comment "too bad they missed the 'I channeled this book' bit". In fact, the only reason that I am now convinced that it's not a very elaborate joke (which would be hilarious- IMHO) is because of ben's exchange with him.

This stuff is absolutely priceless. I'm bookmarking that website for whenever I need a laugh. :)

Anonymous said...

Um. Snarklings? This guy is crazy.

I [heart] mocking nitwits, but it's an order of magnitude more unkind to mock someone too ill to know better.

Megalith said...

Holy Crap! I like the Microsoft Word "Word Art" font on the cover. His writing is like mentally ill stream-of-consciousness. I wonder how many copies he's sold to people who think, "I've got to read what this nut job has written." We'll probably see him interviewed by John Stewart some day.

Grendel's Dam said...

I agree with the anon. poster who says the guy is just crazy. This goes beyond Ed Wood in a pink angora sweater. It's just sad. We're all rubbernecking a car wreck here. I guess it feels good to be reassured that no matter how arrogant and idiotic we may have been in our newbie days, there's somebody out there who's 1000 times more clue-free.

Mirtika said...

~~Pop quiz: name one successful book/play/film/interpretive dance piece with an exclamation point in the title. Time's up. You can't, there aren't any.~~

Well, they beat me to Oliver! and Oklahoma!

But: HATARI!
I WANT TO LIVE!
VIVA ZAPATA!
THEM!

Novels:
Absalom, Absalom! (Faulkner)
Watch Your Back! (by Westlake)

Er, I"m sure there's more.

I actually feel sorry for the guy's delusion, but that letter has such an arrogance, that it dilutes my sympathy.

I dunno. I write better than he does, and I still often think I've written crap. I wouldn't dream of expecting agents/editors to BUY my self-published opus at 35 bucks.

It's comical, but it's also quite, quite pathetic and sad.

Oh, well.

Mir

Anonymous said...

I've never felt compelled to respond before. I checked out the website, still hoping this was all a joke.

Here's the first line of his 'excerpt':

"Oceana's triplicate synthetic recreation from the Space Ark's registry of binary data was the first Being to be regenerated from the Terrestrial Ark's deep well of androgynous doubles and carnal genetic ancestors."

I believe it speaks for itself, whomever may read it.

Anonymous said...

I liked this sentence from the overview:

"When completed, those magnificent spaceships will be piloted by the twin personages of eighteen chosen scientists and engineers whom will be selected from amongst their colleagues at the R & D facility to have their DNA culled for use in generating synthetic Replicates of themselves."

John Anthony Sperling said...

Omigod Omigod Omigod Omigod. I'm sorry to report that this may be the best moment of my life.

All hail the Hattiesburg, Mississippi Ear, Nose & Throat Clinic for recognizing genius when they see it.

SPACE ARK FOREVER!

On the moonlit evenings, their sun's light reflected off Charm and showered down onto Hearth, then mirrored back to Charm from Hearth as that planet's diamantine pyramids refracted Charm's brilliant moonshine back into a versicolored, kaleidoscopic rainbow!

Seriously. I might actually cry. One of us MUST purchase this book, lest it be swept away by the versicolored sands of time.

Omigod.

Anonymous said...

Gang, we are being wholly unfair to this dude.

Think on this--he's managed to sell over 2700 copies of an utterly unreadable book.

I WANT HIM ON MY SALES STAFF!!!

Erin said...

Not a joke, I'm afraid. He registered the site in his own name back in 1999, and his writing style is pretty recognizable here, where he compares Washington Mutual Bank to Adolf Hitler and Osama Bin Ladin because they won't cash his checks. (The bank won't. Hitler and Bin Ladin probably wouldn't either, though.)

I'm going to have to go with the assumption of mental illness.

Word verification: pfkbbbb. Indeed!

Heather said...

Folks, please don't link to this guy. He's going after google rankings, and nothing more (which is ironic given his anti-google stance.)

Don't link from anywhere else, etc.

Although if you want a good laugh, DO email him. He likes to rewrite your emails in his third grade writing style and reply with lots of caps. It is very funny. :) He'll give you a "verbal slapdown"
you'll never forget.

KatTrapy said...

Pop quiz: name one successful book/play/film/interpretive dance piece with an exclamation point in the title. Time's up. You can't, there aren't any.

Cannibal! (OK, it's schlock, but it seems appropriate, here.)

Good Lord, yes it's cruel to mock the afflicted, but surely there's a bit of leeway when the afflicted is an arrogant ass who's inflicted himself on your in-box and still wants to be paid for it?

(Someone flashy-thing me....)

Evenly said...

I'm tempted to enter a copy of this is one of those scammer writing contests. Just imagine if the Sobol Awards had to publish this thing!

Anonymous said...

Mark, when you Google search "Metriculated" the first thing it gives you is the correct spelling.

so, maybe everyone is an idiot?

Yes. Have you ever held a conversation with an average person? Kids are passing school nowdays not because they know the curriculum, but because it might "stunt their social growth."

Anonymous said...

What about a band?

PANIC! at the Disco

Anonymous said...

In line with the discussion of exclamation points in titles: the Beatles' film Help! succeeded wildly. Of course, everything the Beatles did succeeded wildly.

A Paperback Writer said...

Erin, thanks for the link to another posting by this guy, but I'm not sure it's the same person; he doesn't use the word "whom" enough. (Although the spelling of "phuck" amused me -- perhaps this spelling is to make the over-used Anglo-Saxon term appear more Latinate and upper class, which is -- I think -- what the mis-use of the objective pronoun whom is also supposed to do in the spaceark bit... However, I believe that both Shakespeare [in Much Ado] and Sheridan [the Rivals] made fools of their characters who mis-used words.)

Anonymous said...

I felt bad about them not knowing that agents shouldn't charge fees, so I googled them. Then I sent them this post link. *cough* Yeah.

Eden said...

That Thing You Do! also has an exclamation point.

28bytes said...

Wow. Could that website look any more like Heaven's Gate?

http://www.heavensgate.com/

Someone send this guy some Nikes.

Detail Muse said...

Triple word score: Tora! Tora! Tora!

Mark said...

Miscellaneous Course Fees Related to Summer at Sea for Metriculated Students and Summer at Sea for non Metriculated Students ...
www.calstate.edu/eo/Campus_Index.shtml - 153k - Cached - Similar pages

I'm just saying. It happened to give the "did you mean" correct spelling. Some of those are bizarre as well so, but correct is correct. This guy has bigger problems than a typo.

Anonymous said...

someone should tell this guy to lay off the space mushrooms... he is a perfect example of why kids shouldnt do drugs!!!

graciesls said...

I am choosing to believe this is a joke, Borat style....some sort of insanity....out to prove that "crazy" can sell just about anything....

If not, then that guy's just a fuckknocker and I'm new so if I can't say fuckknocker on here, I'm sure someone will let me know....

Teresa said...

Neurochemical problems. They aren't too bad yet, but he should seek help.

Anonymous said...

Posting to an empty room here, but...Mark, you've illustrated exactly why dictionaries are better reference sources than the Internet.

Kate Thornton said...

This would be just sad if not for being just funny at the same time.

Scribbler said...

I just...well...its...well...um.

Bleh?

Elayna said...

I should not have visited the site. I think I'm gonna throw up.

I have to say the big shiny paypal button at the bottom of the screen was tempting. I've just recently set up a paypal account and I thought, "Whenever I need to know what it feels like, what it really feels like to be nauseated, I could just open his book. It would be convenient." But then, I could probably get something equally effective for $9.99, so I'll shop elsewhere.

Anonymous said...

Mark mentioned a misspelling in the index page www.calstate.edu/eo/Campus_Index.shtml (referring to a correctly-spelled Cal State directive). I let the webmaster know and it was fixed within a couple of hours. You can probably still catch it in the Google cache if you want to see it. misspellings happen.

Dan Hoey haoyuep@aol.com

DJ said...

Exclamation Play: Mama Mia!

Matriculate would be the right word if the person in question never graduated, I believe. As in, "I matriculated at CSUN, but I was insane and they kicked me out, so I never graduated." That doesn't seem like the kind of thing one should broadcast, however.

Tujunga: I used to live in Tujunga, which is known primarily for its crystal meth production. A combination of mental illness and meth addiction would explain a lot of this, except that most of the tweakers I know write a lot more than one novel every fifteen years. (The sentences they write, however, are exactly like this Nitwit's: overly long and full of extra-special-bonus clauses.) If you're looking to produce sheer volume of words (and clean your house, ruin your metabolism and alienate your friends) you can't beat a good meth addiction.

Many years ago, I worked for a literary agent, and I can imagine us reading this letter over and over, laughinguntil we cried. I'm not sure any more work would have gotten done that day, from the laughing, and the crying. Oh, Lord, the crying.

Valerie said...

Holy craparoly. Scary stuff. Even more bothersome to me than the who/whom issue is the overuse of "very" in the overview on his website. Truly, there is a lot for all of us to learn here—how not to write a query letter, how not to use eighty times more words than are necessary to get your "point" (and I use the term loosely) across, and how going off your meds can have a negative impact on the way the world perceives you.

I'm not sure I'll be brave enough to e-mail this guy, as I just had a job interview the other day for a software company that turned out to be all Scientology, all the time, and now they have my social security number, so I'm feeling way less intrepid about sticking my neck out than I might under ordinary circumstances.

Besides, I would rather spend $35.90 on a tasty steak dinner than give it to this fellow. Why buy the cow when you can mock it on the internet for free?

Joe said...

All that guff about "you have your policies, we have ours" reminds me of this loony who occasionally infests a mailing list I'm on, who bombards the BBC with batshit insane e-mails about imaginary 'scientific fraud' perpetrated by newsreaders, "in line with my own fairness and accountability policy" -

http://www.perceptions.couk.com

Anonymous said...

I just wonder if this guy is going to write 'For Who The Bell Tolls' next

Anonymous said...

He's got a doppelganger. Check out http://www.sebar.com for the San Fernando Valley version of this guy. In particular, please enjoy the license terms in the zip file for his breakout novel Skyway Arizona.

Anonymous said...

Arrgh, Sebar's taken out the most entertaining part of the license terms for his e-books, which was that if you were an editor of any sort, you weren't allowed to read it... "everyone else, enjoy the book".

Seems he thinks evil editors are at the heart of his problems breaking into publishing.

Redzilla said...

I haven't laugh-cried this hard in ages. I think I may have herniated something. I don't know whether to thank Nathan Carnes for the laugh, or curse him for sending this out to agents. With this sort of thing dropping into their mailboxes it any wonder agents are so wary of writers?

Anonymous said...

Oog, the "Space Ark" guy just knocked on my door (he lives a few miles away), asking if I'd like to buy a copy, or failing that, contribute a few bucks to a struggling artist. I am *not* making this up.

I'm so sad that I've stumbled on your blog just as it's going dark!