Dear Miss Snark,
I’ll soon be in the market for literary representation, and I like your brutally honest advice. However I wouldn’t want someone like you to be my agent, you’re too mean in that New York sorta way. It scares me, and brings on writer's block. Am I being overly sensitive?
No of course not. You're quite right to be afraid of Miss Snark and her brutal ways. In fact, you should include a questionairre with your query to make sure you only sign on with nice, sweet, kind literary agents.
Here are some suggested questions:
1. Do you now or have you ever used a broom for transportation?
2. Does your 3o day termination clause include the word defenestration?
3. Do you sign your contracts in hemoglobin?
4. Do you now or have you ever had Satan on speed dial?
5. Do you now or have you ever had an expense account line item for body removal?
6. Do you now or have you ever considered Hannibal Lector for a role model?
7. Do publishers just bring their check book to lunch rather than negotiate with you?
8. Have you ever made an IRS agent cry?
9. Have you ever written a fan letter to Simon Cowell encouraging him to toughen up?
10. Do you now or have you ever responded to nitwit email with a ***Top Ten List of Reasons to Stand in Front of the Clue Cannon?