Finally a solution for all of my friends who have decided that the pen really is mightier than the sword....This can be used in anger, burnt or pinned up on the wall along with all of your rejection letters... Not that I am jaded, just wanting to vent and had a great time writing this. Hope you are having a splendid day.
Dear Agent X,
Thank you for posting a web site announcing that you are now accepting queries in the following categories: Fiction, Literary Fiction, Childrens, Young Adult, Everything in-between and Non-Fiction. As you may already know, I am very selective about the agents I choose to query. My projects take up lots of my time, make me sweat, drink heavily and often have me considering the state mental facility as my next home. I have ignored family, friends and chosen a solitary state of mind (other than the voices that speak to me) in order to write the novel that I should be sending you.
As you might guess, this leaves me very little time to go through agent listings and I must seek out the brightest, most tenacious and best looking agents that I can possibly find on the internet. Plus, your website must be spectacular in order to catch my attention.
In your case, I must say, although you have piqued my interest with your website and the list of clients you have posted, I have to take a pass. Even though I am choosing not to query you at this time, this does not mean you're not good enough, or not even a real human being, it just means you are not on my personal "A" list of agents. So carry on with your work, as I am sure you will find a best seller among the slush pile that is probably propping up the door to your office.
Please feel free to query me regarding my works after I have made the NY Times Best Seller List or you can take a look at a sample of my works on the website: www.fatchance.comma
Thank you for not sending me hate mail,
Ms. Anonymous Jaded Writer
I'd have thought this was a joke if I hadn't gotten a couple like them in the mail.
Do you honest to dog think I don't get rejection letters? I get more in a month than you do in a year. I can get 12-15 rejections on novels and double that on non-fiction. That's for EACH project, and I have 25 active clients right now.
And before you get your feathers in a fluff and start twittering about how I should know who's the perfect editor for every project when I try to sell it, let's all remember that I DO know these editors and this IS the stuff they buy. Just not this.
One of the biggest hurdles you need to get over is not taking this personally. It CANT be personal: I do not KNOW you. If anyone could take rejection personally it's me: I DO know these editors; they are the ones I see at conferences, sit on panels with, go to lunch with, and pitch again on other things. They do know me. It's still not personal.
Get over yourself.