It's Friday, it's slush.
The things you do that turn your query into toast:
1. Remind me that you telephoned to ask permission to query. It's bad enough you did it. If enough time passes, I'll probably forget it was you. But no! no no, you lead the query letter telling me how nice it was to talk to me.
Here's a news flash: it wasn't nice to talk to you. I wasn't rude cause I'd run out snarl sauce and the new shipment is on hold at Customs pending a vermin search, but make no mistake about it, calling to ask if it's ok to query is stupid. Unless an agency specifically says don't, you can assume they want queries.
2. The letter is all one paragraph.
Ok, that's charming...not.
Then you single space your pages...which isn't the narrative, but descriptions of characters.
Not just toast...burnt toast.
3. "My novel is x thousand words but it reads longer". If you don't know why this is funny, need to sharpen your Sardonica bone.
4. A string of adjectives to describe the work (never a good choice anyway) topped off by the failure to tell me whether it is a novel or nonfiction. I don't know if you only tell me it's well written, riveting, and important.
Only four servings of toast in today's slush.
My dog, can it be...are you paying attention to the rants??
Miss Snark faints dead away at the horrifying idea of doing good in the world.