"Drink the dregs kink"

This was the question that started us off and running:

Miss Snark, I have a question of your expertise, and no, not the literary kind. Outside of the frozen kind, what's the wimpiest kind of drink a man can order? I need it for my novel, but, not being a drinker myself, decided to come to the best.

And the helpful comments ranged from short and sweet:

Have you ever seen a guy order a cosmopolitan? Fruit-flavored beer?

Elektra,If you want a whimpy drink for a guy, write it as a Pink Squirrel.A cutesy drink from bygone days that looks like Pepto Bismol and is normally served in a martini style glass. Meaning cutesy little stem with a vee shaped top.

to the full fledged cris de couer:

Normally, I would not dare presume to answer for Miss Snark. But I figure I'm qualified to speak on the subjects of masculinity and booze, so I'll give Elektra a little help while Miss Snark gets her official answer together. Here is a primer on determining a drink's macho level.

1. Any mixed drink that was popular with any historical or literary character with a reputation as a manly man is automatically something a tough guy can drink without fear, as long as it remains close to the original. For example, lime Daquiris on the rocks are quite acceptable for Real Men, since Hemmingway liked them. Frozen bananna daquiris are not.

2. Take off macho points for any use of fruit juice except lemon or lime. Only a tough guy could drink pure lemon juice anyway.

3. You can make up for fruit juice if you add enough alchohol. Lots of alchohol makes a drink macho, especially if it tastes like it could clean a stove. With its 151-proof rum, nobody dares call a Zombie a drink for wusses. (The Zombie also doesn't violate Rule 4, below).

4. Under no circumstances may a macho drink have a cutesy name. Nothing, and I mean nothing, kills a drink's reputation more than an unmacho name. If a name doesn't have tradition behind it, it needs something ominous or tough like "Zombie" or "Godfather." ( KY: or Killer!)

So, what drinks break as many of these rules as possible? I'd have to say that the least macho drinks I know of would have to be the Fuzzy Navel and the Woo Woo.

While I certainly agree with all of the above, Miss Snark's Final Word is:

The least macho thing a male can drink (even if not wearing a pink tam) is toilet bowl water.


Mark said...

I prefer a boilermaker.

npetrikov said...

"I need it for my novel, but, not being a drinker myself"--

I never, ever thought I'd read these two clauses in the same sentence.

Dave Kuzminski said...

I prefer a Green Death.

Anonymous said...

I used to be a bartender.

Slo Gin Fizz or Grasshopper ... take your pick. Either one screams wimp without making a joke of it.

Brandy Alexander also qualifies.


Anonymous said...

Sorry, Snarky, but Rule #1 would then come into effect since Toilet Water is clearly the drink of choice of James Frey. Macho it now is.

Anonymous said...

I have to disagree with the flavored beer thing though. Not everyone likes the taste of beer.

Stacia said...

This makes me think of the Kids in the Hall "Girl Drink Drunk" sketch.

I think the sissiest drink a man could order is a Sex on the Beach. It has a dumb, cutesy name, it's a sorority girl favorite, it's mostly juice, and it's pink(ish). Also it comes with a cherry on a stick.

Anonymous said...

How about a guy who only orders water, and drops in tablets of Alka-Seltzer? At the club? While he hits on girls? Ew.

Mac said...

It's worse when you have to describe how to make it to the bartender.

When my girlfriend drinks (which she only does very rarely) she likes a 'Shandy'. For the uninitiated, this is a half-beer, half-softdrink concoction.

So I get her order, go to the bar and explain to the bartender:

"Half Guiness, Half Pink lemonade."


Anonymous said...

Funny enough, though, I spent an hour or so in a bar in Perth, Scotland, with a bunch of real, real tough guys who were ordering nothing but lager shandys, so it was a lager with lemonade. I guess the idea was so instead of drinking 11 pints for the entire football match, they'd drink 22.

Either way, they coulda had milk and I would still have been scared.

Rafting Bear said...

Is the drink for a wimpy straight guy, or are you euphemistically referring to a gay guy?

Stereotypical gay guys like frozen fruity drinks and anything iridescently blue. (I don't know how stereotypical I am, but I love Blue Hawaiis and frozen Blueberry Daquiris.)

I can't think of anything wimpier to order in a bar than a Shirley Temple.

On the other end of the spectrum, I agree with Star Trek's Worf: Prune juice is a warrior's drink.

Inez said...

Mlle Snarque:
hysterical, as always.
You are bettter than Christopher Buckley, and just as good as Dave Barry. I look forward to buying the book! btw, anything acknowledgments
or dedications to Miss Snark yet?