Top Ten Reasons God Won't Get Tenure

1. Only published one book.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. There is doubt He wrote it Himself.

4. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning all the subjects.
5. When sample subjects do not behave as predicted, He deletes the whole sample
6. He rarely comes to class-just tells His students to read the Book.

7. It is rumored that He sometimes lets His Son teach the class.
8. Although He only has 10 requirements, His students often fail His tests.

9. He expelled His first two students for learning.
10. His office hours are infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

I stole this from this guy but I've seen it before
so I'm probably stealing it from someone else too.


Melvin Lee said...

Loved it! Can I steal it too!
This made my day.
This is what I call get even with God ahem!

Anonymous said...

So funny! Reminds me of the time I took little feet-shaped magnets and stuck them under people's "fish" symbols.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm...Interesting. Can't say that was exactly as factual as I'd expect from you, tho.

Anonymous said...

Here's a link to the complete thing: http://funnies.paco.to/GodTenure.html

S William said...

Thou cannot steal, Melvin Lee. Ahem, indeed!

Anonymous said...

I think you got the wrong God, so I rewrote it:

Why God WILL get tenure:

1. Published several bestsellers in several languages, including Sanscrit.

2. These books are all still in print even after thousands of years, and read by millions all over the world every day.

3. Was able to adapt His teaching to suit various temperaments and cultures; and though these temperaments and cultures fight among themselves as to which is the Only True one, He alone knows they are ALL only metaphors for His incomprehensible truth.

4. Reinvents himself better than Madonna.

5. In spite of having extremely faulty tools, (humans) he's managed to keep the spirit of goodness and compassion alive in the world - even in the hearts of Snarks!

6. He only has one requirement: to be loved with all one’s heart, soul and mind.

7. Though millions fail the test every day, he gives them all a new chance every single second of every single day.

8. True enough: many, if not most, of His students find it hard to understand His language, which is silence, as they are too busy listening to the cacophony of their own minds. But He is so patient he repeats again and again and again, till they learn that language.

9. Those who pass the test are rewarded beyond their wildest dreams.

10. He is available for discussion and advice every single second of every single day. His office is constantly open, and situated in the human heart.

Ray said...

Right, but who cares about tenure when you've got a best seller like this?

And I might add, who else can claim to have the very first book ever to come off the presses?

Anybody else have a book that keeps showing up in motels?

How many study groups can you claim for your book?

Here's the real cruncher: Has anyone started a war over your book?

Or sworn an oath over it?

Quoted from it until blue in the face and disliked by all but the crazy?

Has anyone written a book based on yours?

Got married from it?

Died by it?

Anonymous said...

Sorry - I spelt Saskrit wrong.

none said...

It might occur that some of us wouldn't want any wars started over our books. Especially if we did love those who'd be killed and mutilated in the process. Or even just didn't dislike them all that much.

Anonymous said...

How about the biggest reason God can't get tenure: God doesn't exist?

Kim said...

Actually, didn't God (whichever you worship) have a ghostwriter? Or, more succintly, several ghostwriters?

Not that there's anything wrong with that. I'm just checking. I'm not really all that up on my religion this morning.

Either way, it made me laugh and I'm sure it'll piss somebody off.

Susanne said...

Hilarious! Just hilarious!

Anonymous said...

A nonny mouse,

let's assume God actually exists. Do you really think that he/she needs your sorry attempt to defend him/her at what is a fun poke at religion?

It's humor!

You think God (again, assuming such a benevolent being exists) doesn't have a sense of humor??


Anonymous said...

a nonny mouse,

Nice attempt to rehabilitate the list, but you've obviously never been through a tenure review. Consider the idea that this piece is poking fun at academia, rather than at God.

Anonymous said...

*giggle* *snort* *spew*

*wipes tea off keyboard*

Oh My... er... Supreme Deity!

I'm still laughing... *chuckle*

Next time though, a little warning please. My keyboard and screen may never recover. *sigh*

cudd said...

I laughed when I read it. I don't see that it's a slight on God, and the people who see it as such probably don't understand the nature of tenure.

Coming from a family of college professors, most of which are tenured, I've learned a lot about the subject.

Bottom line is a tenured professor is almost ALWAYS a professor that is focused on advancing research in their field and publishing what they find. Published material makes the school look good; the school likes that and wants to hold onto it.

It has nothing to do with how effective a professor he is. In fact, there are more than a few professors with tenure that are absolutely terrible teachers. Spending all your time on research tends to leave little for preparing lectures and helping students.

Now, assuming God exists, it's probably safe to say He couldn't care less about publishing so much as playing the teacher role. So why does it matter that He wouldn't get tenure?

Anonymous said...

A nonny mouse, I think you're missing the point: the things you list may or may not be true, but they're not the sort of things that get one tenure. What academic committee ever made how well a book sold a criteria for tenure.

And if he alone knows something, well, that doesn't help the faculty tenure committee any, since they don't know it.

Anonymous said...

I've got to go with Kim on this one. God didn't write the bible. Neither did Jesus.

Some random homophobic, sexist, old white guys wrote it.

Anonymous said...

Back in the 1960s, THE MONOCLE published a cartoon of the Crucifixion. Two people faced each other below the cross. The caption read: "Sure He was a great teacher, but he never published anything."

Anonymous said...

I spelt Sanskrit wrong - again!!!!!

Anonymous said...

"It might occur that some of us wouldn't want any wars started over our books."

True enough. But I would certainly wish that my books held the same power to transform hearts and lives as these books do - whether the Bible or the Bhagavad Gita. Talk about the pen being mightier than the sword!

Anonymous said...

Buffysquirrel said:
"It might occur that some of us wouldn't want any wars started over our books."

Okay, good point. But would a small scuffle be allowable when your first book hits the shelf?

Kay Derwydd said...

Oh, Lord...and here I thought the Costello bit was cute!

Corn Dog said...

Sue, Miss Snark has "yanno" as tm/pp that means "trademark patent pending."

Can I be the Walmart greeter of this blog? Over here we have the FAQ with the origins of Rabbitania and Serial Scrubber. Here is tm/pp. Need a buggy? Like to know about Victoria, Ann or Dave - aisle 5 next to SFWA info and Preditors and Editors...

Anonymous said...

9. He expelled His first two students for learning and consequently instituted a dress code.

To add to the comment:
"God didn't write the bible. Neither did Jesus. Some random homophobic, sexist, old white guys wrote it."

... Some women wrote it too, but their books were ultimately deleted by other sexist old white guys.

P.S. These arguments cannot be won. (Ref. 1000s of years of righteous, god-fearing history.) What loving, astute students we are.

Okay, this time I got the verifiication word: "ejewme" LOL!

Anonymous said...

a nonny mouse said, You are my new blog hero. -JTC

Anonymous said...

Yes, you're quite right nonny mouse.

The Bible is the #1 best selling Fiction book of all time. ^^

none said...

So long as the scuffle is between people determined to buy a copy, sure!

Anonymous said...

To Anonymous, who felt the need to take a jab at both the Bible and God, both of which appear to be minding their own business at the moment and really have nothing to do with this joke, which is directed at academia: Lucky for you, you're blasting Him, because if you took a poke at the Koran and Mohamed, you'd find a lot of people burning effigys on your front doorstep and sending pipe bombs to your ISP. Lucky for you, Judeo-Chrisianity can take the criticism and keep on loving you. :-) God Bless!

Kim said...

See? I said it'd piss somebody off.

Someone owes me a beer.

Relax - it's all in good fun.

Just watch out - you never know when God (whichever one you worship) might decide to hurl a lightning bolt at you. Hope no innocent bystanders get hurt.

Anonymous said...

One more time through:

1. Technically, it’s at least 66 books (and more if you count the Apocrypha or the DaVinci Code).
2. A good part of it was in Greek and maybe some in Aramaic.
3. Well… I’ll give you that one.

4. Hey, He let one old drunk and his family survive!
5. Actually, I think He predicted the mess-ups pretty frequently. He just kept hoping somebody would get it right, so He sometimes He restarted an experiment.
6. As I understand it, He sits around just waiting for us to call.

7. But then, His Son is really Himself. That's one of the basic premises for the course.
8. Now that’s not HIS fault. – it’s even an open-Book test!

9. They weren't expelled for learning, it was for stealing the answers before the final. (I LOVE the dress code comment!)
10. I think this goes back to #6. And He DID come to see us, once, but that turned out quite badly.

And for anyone who wants to argue, I'm a Christian with a sense of humor so you can't get me, nyah nyah nyah! ---Lilyjay

Anonymous said...

Lilyjay, I love you!

It speaks well for Christians that not one of them here has taken offense at the baiting.

nyah nyah nyah!

Sha'el, Princess of Pixies said...

To add to the comment:
"God didn't write the bible. Neither did Jesus. Some random homophobic, sexist, old white guys wrote it."

... Some women wrote it too, but their books were ultimately deleted by other sexist old white guys.

Both these comments are profoundly misinformed. Those who wrote the Bible were brown-skinned Orientals.

The Bible contains several bits written by women. Check the last chapter of Proverbs. Then there is the song (prayer) of Hannah, Samuel's mother. There is the fragment of the prophetess Deborah's words. Interestingly, the Israelite general Barak would not go into battle without Deborah's presence.

And, of course, there is the well said divine word to Abraham: "Listen to your wife."

The bible is an oriental book, not a European book. There are no deleted feminist parts of the Bible. In an age when the prevailing societies mistreated women, the Bible was remarkably liberal. It holds women to be equals in maters of salvation. It tells men to be subject to their wives, even when advising women to be subject to their husbands. See the actual content of Ephesians chapter five. "Go on being in subjection to one another …"

You wish to see what it really says about women? Read Proverbs chapter 31. The ideal wife is an independent business woman who directs her own affairs and those of her household. That some religions that claim to believe the Bible treat women otherwise is not the fault of the book. Or look at how Jael the Kennite woman is presented in Judges. She nails Sissera's head to the tent floor, and she wins praise for it.

Or see how it presents Abigail who ignored her husband and saved the life of her household. I find the negotiation for Rebekah's marriage to Isaac revealing. Abraham's servant negotiates for Rebekah. After all the formal marriage negotiation is finished, Laban, her brother and the one with whom the servant negotiated, said, "Let's call the girl and find out what she says." This narrative gives women a voice unheard of in surrounding societies, and unheard of in some churches.

One is free to choose whether to be a believer or not. But much of our literature and heritage come from the Bible. There is no excuse for being so profoundly ignorant of its contents.

Anonymous said...

It's funny that the bible would sell so well. Talk about a really bad plot. The main character gets killed off halfway through the book.

Anonymous said...

Sha'el, you are indeed a princess. -JTC

Anonymous said...

It WAS all about PUBLISH OR PERISH. The worst profs I had at Berkeley were the most published. They could not teach their way out of the proverbial paper bag.

Something about anti-social drudges????

Hossannahs to Sha'el for being the most hip of the rest of you.

Sha'el, Princess of Pixies said...

Dear Donroc,

I'm not sure I've ever been hip before.