Dear Dog in Heaven, we're done

Miss Snark staggers across the finishing line clutching her sanity in the weakest of grips.

this is IT.
We're done.

I'm NEVER doing this many again. This was madness.

interesting, educational and illuminating for me. Hope it was all that and perhaps more for you.

The blog is going to rest for a while.

If you've got a question, go ahead and start emailing again. I've got a pen full of backlog, and we'll get to that too.


Anonymous said...

A pail of gin and a wish for Happy New Year, Miss Snark.

And a gazillion thanks. Learned a lot. Now to put it to use.

Anonymous said...

Happy New Year! I can't wait for next week! A boat-load of thanks Miss Snark!

Anonymous said...

I can't even begin to express my gratitude for this undertaking, Miss Snark. Now that it's over, I guess I'm going to have to stop reading hooks for my own edification and get back to writing! This has been a wonderful experience and I can't wait to see the pages later. Maybe before long you'll be seeing my finished work in your query pile... with a more focused hook. ;) Thanks for everything.

Stacia said...

*****applause applause applause****

Wow. Miss S, if I knew who you were I'd send you a big bottle of gin.

Absolutely amazing.

Virginia Miss said...

Although the words are inadequate: thank you Miss Snark!

When I think how long it takes just to read this crapometer, I'm amazed that you devoted so much time to this endeavor.

merper said...

You are awesome.

Anonymous said...

Nicely done and thanks. It was very helpful for those of us laboring in the wilderness. It also says something to your character that you didn't do the perfectly justified thing and bail early.

Happy New Year, Miss Snark.

susan said...

Super job, Miss Snark. You've done a world of good to a lot of aspiring writers.

Happy New Year to you and yours.

Kate said...

Clap. Clap. Clap.

You have some amazing stamina there, Miss Snark!

Maybe next year, you should limit entries to what arrives within one hour?? Holy moly, just reading them was grueling--let alone making comments and posting the entries!

Go celebrate the New Year--you're FREE!!! For a week, at least!

Anonymous said...

Best wishes. You've just done the literary equivalent of running a long-distance marathon.

Maybe next time, it should be "first 200 entries" or "a two-hour window" or something like that.

Anonymous said...

This undertaking and your generosity of time and spirit are nothing short of amazing. Thank you.

I'd say the same thing even if you hadn't asked me for pages. Because I was thinking it long before you got to my number.

angie said...

I feel like I've gotten a crash course in how to play hook-the-agent. Thank you very, very much. And please don't ever take on so many submissions again. Not only did I fear for your sanity, but I went cross-eyed trying to keep up with reading the hooks and comments.

Here's wishing you a helluva New Year's celebration and more time to make sure Killer Yapp gets his fair share of snacks, petting & squirrel stalking.

Back to the writing...

Anonymous said...

You are amazing! Thank you so much.

Anonymous said...

I got exhausted just WATCHING you work; I can't imagine what it was like for you. Your generous humanity belies the fact that you're obviously a robot. (That's probably why your hair ignites so often; flammable lubricant.)

Happy new year, Miss Snark. May 2007 bring you everything--and everyclooney--your digital heart desires!

Katie Alender said...

When the gin has been drunk and the servants have been beaten back into submission and Grandmother Snark has been handed her cigar and slippers and Killer Yapp has been to the dayspa and back, I would love to know what the educational and illuminating parts were for Miss Snark herself.

Anonymous said...

The lessons learned here are available nowhere else.
What you did was huge - I hope you know how huge :)
Thanks, Miss Snark!!

Anonymous said...

Dear Miss Snark,

I’m about to say something nice, so cover your eyes.

I hope someday I will have an agent with Miss Snark’s intelligence and integrity, incredible work ethic, and wicked sense of humor. She is simply Snarkalicious.

My wish for her in ’07 and beyond:

May she sign many new, talented, fascinating, and $$$ generating clients.

May her ankle-strap stilettos never pinch.

May her gin pail runneth over.

With affection, respect, and thanks to her Snarky self,


Angus Weeks said...

I thought the crapometer would be fun. I didn't realise it would be so educational. Thanks, Miss Snark.

Just Me said...

Miss S, I sincerely hope you'll never have to do this again! Just put this monster into its own archive - and eager writers will be able to learn from it for years.

May you recuperate while floating on a gilded lily pad in a gin-scented pool of pure snarkling gratitude!

All the best,
-Just Me

Anonymous said...

Next time, first sentences only to start with. Otherwise you'll be critiquing a thousand of these things.

Anonymous said...

Thank you, Miss Snark! Please know that all your work has been immensely appreciated. The crapometer has been a huge education.

Anonymous said...

What an amazing achievement. I've learned so much from reading this CrapOMeter. Thanks, Miss Snark, for all your hard work.

Anonymous said...

Though someone may have mentioned this already (hee, hee),

You Are Amazing!

Thank you so much for the insight, education and laughs along the way.


Anonymous said...

Dear Miss Snark,

You, dear lady, are a saint.

Happy new year.

Anonymous said...

Many thanks, Miss Snark, and a Happy New Year from #619.

Oh, and many pats for KY for being so patient about his walkies, food and games.

Anonymous said...

A pound of Godiva chocolates is on its way. (And another pound is coming to me for reading these with you.)

Anonymous said...

Thank you Miss Snark! ((hug)) If I could send you extra hours in the day, I would.

I didn't submit a hook, but I learned so much from this run. Not just about the craft (though that by itself is worth my Aunt Edna's weight in gold), but also about truly selfless giving and putting others first. What a shining example you are Miss Snark, not just of an agent, but of a human being. (And I sincerely mean that.)

Happy New Year Miss Snark! =D

BernardL said...

This was better than a $10,000 writing class. Thank you, the check's in the mail. :)

Anonymous said...

Thank you! Another awesome crapometer. I've learned so much from you MS, and from the comment section. Congrats to everybody who submitted, and Happy New Year to all.


Anonymous said...

Miss Snark, you are The Best™®. This has been an awesome and very valuable learning experience for me. Thank you, and Happy New Year! - #569

Sten Düring said...

Well done!

The agent's version of NaNoWriMo.

Thanks a lot.

Anonymous said...

I admire your fortitude in getting through them all, and so quickly too!

I'm bummed it's over, too, because I'd made a daily ritual of reading the hooks, one at a time, with your comments offscreen, and guessing what you'd say about each one.

Looking forward to reading pages.

s.w. vaughn said...

You totally rock, Miss Snark. Thank you so much for doing this!

I've learned a ton. It's great to see everyone taking so much away from this. We are a privileged bunch, we Snarklings, even those who can't remember at the moment how to spell privilege.

All the best to you for 2007! May George Clooney show up at your door with a bucket of gin, and nothing else.

Mindy Tarquini said...

This was better than any writer's weekend on 'How to Hook an Agent'. Anytime ANYBODY asks how to write a hook, we can point them here.

George says he'll be buy to put gin-soaked cucumber slices on your eyelids and massage your poor, beleaguered ...um... digits.

Thank you so, sooooo much.

Unknown said...

I also think kudos should be extended to those commenters that took the time every day to make very educational, and supportive comments. Those were valuable comments and should be acknowledged imho. Two Oscars each for you.

Additionally, I'd like to thank the entire academy of readers who support this blog and make it what it is today. One Oscar for each of you.

As for MS, well, I guess she gets the top prize again this year--the SOBEL Humanitarian Peace Prize. It's awarded to the blogger with the mostest.Quite prestigious. I think this is her third in a row if I'm not mistaken.Unfortunately, she won't qualify for the SOBEL award next year. Three wins and you're out.

Ah well...There's always the Sulitzer Prize. But to qualify for that one, you've got to put in more hours I'm afraid.

LOL, I better go before I get flagged.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, everybody!

Chris Eldin said...

Just because you deserve it.....

Next time Mr. Clooney is filming a movie, find out which hotel he's staying in. Then go to the exercise room about 2am, and you'll see your gorgeous crush in, well, the most tantalizing light.

We were in Dubai when he was filming Syriana, but I was too tired to get out of bed to make this haj. But you can.

Thanks so much!! I can't say it better than what's already been expressed, but I have only been writing for 8 months, and your kindness of spirit has helped me immensely. Thank you!

Brady Westwater said...

If you got even 1% out of this that we all did - than it was easily worth your while.

Glynn James said...

Thank you! the comments (including your one) were very helpful, and gave me something to work with.

JPD said...

I've been crunching the numbers... The following are my own estimates/assumptions:

682 hooks averaging 235 words per hook. Average reponse by MS, 35 words. Assume an average of 7 blogger comments per hook, averaging 25 words per blogger. There were 15 days worth of status reports by MS, assuming 75 words each. 20 blogger comments per status report averaging 35 words each.

I think I was conservative on every estimate above.

I estimate over 315k words read, written, or moderated by MS since Dec 15th. Almost 23k per day. That doesn't even count her technical time, such as importing the hooks into Blogger and managing her web site. In her spare time. For sport.

To paraphrase "Virginia Miss," words are completely inadequate.


Anonymous said...

All Hail Miss Snark, Queen of the Crapometer. I have learned so much about hooks throughout this crapstravaganza, much more than I could have learned from the average "how to get published" book. Concrete example after concrete example -- that's how to do it.

So my hook went down in flames -- now I know WHY! This tells me ever so much more than, "Dear Author: We received your recent submission. Unfortunately it does not suit our needs at this time..."

Grapeshot/Odette said...

Thank you! Thank you! You are totally awesome.

When she got tight
Everything was all right
So we kept her
Provided with gin!

Happy New Year
What a long, arduous slog.

Anonymous said...

you rock, Miss Snark.

Thanks so much.


Anonymous said...

I didn't send anything in, but I wanted to thank you nonetheless. This has been interesting, informative, and (you're gonna hate this part) shows what an incredibly nice person you really are.

Jennifer Shirk said...

Gin and chocolate? You deserve something better-- like a gift certificate to a swanky NY hair salon to correct all that singed hair.

Happy New Year!

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for the whole thing! It's greatly appreciated and very helpful!

McKoala said...

You are amazing
You did amazing things

Thank you for your knowledge, humour and sheer grit in getting through all this. All our hooks should now be bright and shiny. Just amazing. You are.

Anonymous said...

if everyone sent a bucket of gin to a random female agent, Snark would surely get some of it (and she'd become more popular with her female peers)

LindaBudz said...

Miss Snark,

Congratulations, and thank you, thank you, thank you!

A happy, healthy and wealthy New Year to you and to Snarklings everywhere!

Mindy Tarquini said...

If you got even 1% out of this that we all did - than it was easily worth your while.

Miss Snark isn't offering representation to anybody, even if she's gaga for the pages.

She can't.

That's because she has no address. She has no social security number, no checking account, no college transcript. Her penthouse at the Plaza has no telephone number because Miss Snark cannot provide a security deposit. She and Grandmother Snark and Killer Yapp exist in the gin-soaked pixels between Rabbitania and the labradoodle, a place where it's always snarky and never Christmas.

What DOES she get out of this?

Miss Snark said...

cocktail chat.

Mindy Tarquini said...

If you got even 1% out of this that we all did - than it was easily worth your while.

Whoops. Misread your comment.

never mind.

Although the question concerning what Miss Snark did get out of all this remains.

Anonymous said...

I now have a terrible case of Reader's Disease and my productivity has been shot to hell.

There is a very good chance, after having read all these hooks and reading the pages you'll post, that I will give up writing altogether.

So, mission accomplished.

HawkOwl said...


It certainly was interesting and vastly entertaining. Thanks for doing it.

Karen said...

Absolutely brilliant.

Thank you very much.

Alley Splat said...

Yep, an incredible oddyssey that benefited all of us immeasurably (well, me anyway!)

I learned a lot. Greatly appreciated, many thanks.

Happy new year everyone.

Brady Westwater said...

As for what Miss Snark gest out of this, this still is straight from the mouth of the Snark:

Lest you think this is some sort of martyrdom, let me assure you I"m learning quite a lot. I teach classes at writers conferences and it's really helpful to me to have to talk about what's good/bad works/doesn't in these. When I do my slush it's form letters. This helps me out so yea, I'm glad it helps you too but it's not a one way street.

Anonymous said...

Wow, what an entertaining education.

Thank you for giving so much of your time to this.

I didn't submit, but have been rapt by the wannabe-hooks and your responses to them.

I hope you and Killer Yapp managed to enjoy at least some of Yuletide.

Happy 2007 cocktails to you both.

Anonymous said...

Thanks, MS!

I just was helping a friend revise a query today, and found myself thinking, "Now, what are the stakes here ... ?"

Anonymous said...

I've read them all. I've learned alot. My writing will improve as a result.

Can't thank you enough, Miss Snark.

Happy New Year.

Dee said...

a good way to end the New Year...lol

hope 2007 brings you health, happiness and a many pails of gin.

thanks for all your efforts...wow...you are just amazing.

Anonymous said...

Wow! What an odyssey. I resolve to complete 600 plus good deeds in your honour, Miss Snark.

May you have a wonderful new year. And a beribboned bone for KY.

word verif: nsdzzxn nods off after the nth Christmas hook.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for doing this! Just reading the hooks and comments was an education in itself, having my own non-hook trashed is putting the book in focus.

I hope this ultimately results in better-quality hooks in your real-life slush pile!

Anonymous said...

Twas the night before Crapometer and out went the lights.
And my power stayed out for many days and many nights.
"I'm missing the Happy Hooker Crapometer!" I cried with despair.
Then I growled and I sulked and I pulled out my hair.
Oh crap crap crap crap, this is just so not fair!
As I settled down for a dark and stormy Christmas Eve,
There came a blip, then a blink, and then electricity!
I ran to the computer and booted up with delight,
And I click click click clicked on my favorite blog site,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
Hundreds of submissions posted to Crapometer!
Hooks and non-hooks, first pages and WTF's
Splats, kitchen sinks, and not specific enough,
And Dear Dog, start over, this is a mess mess mess mess...
Yet every now and then jumped out a yes yes yes yes!
And all this Miss Snark did during the holidays, no less.
(Did her heart grow nearly 700 sizes in two weeks?
Or was it the other way around? hee hee hee)
I didn't get to submit to the HH Crapometer,
(Don't put me in the vat -- I'm not asking for another!)
But I still wanted to express how very grateful I am
For all your hard work and for all that I gained.
So thank you, Miss Snark, from the bottom of my heart.

Happy New Year to all, and to all a good snark!


Inkwolf said...

Insane you certainly were and are.

But we thank you for you insanity SO much!!

Anonymous said...

Happy New Year, Miss Snark! Thank you for all your hard work on this. And yes indeed, the Crapometer has been interesting and educational raised to the thousandth power -- or should I say the 682nd power. ;)

Here's wishing you some nice R & R watching George Clooney movies with Killer Yapp.

Southern Writer said...

***Fifteen minute standing ovation***

********** With gin and roses*********

I always cry at these things. Someone pass me a tissue, please.

MWT said...

Yay doneness of Round One! :)

Definitely been interesting, educational and illuminating for me too. Thank you.

I didn't manage to read every single one, but got big swaths here and there. (And if I'd grasped the magnitude of the undertaking at the start I would've kept better track of which ones I commented on. 700 individual discussion threads is a lot!) Your reading, comprehension, and replying speed is amazing.

Also, to naughty miss: HAHA awesome :)

Anonymous said...


Miss S, you're a trouper and a real peach. (And spooky spot-on in your assessment of hooks.) Thanks endlessly and I raise my glass to you at near midnight '06.
love and kisses,

Nancy Beck said...

Thanks, Miss Snark, for all your time and effort. I've learned a lot reading through these COM entries.

And thanks to all who submitted their hooks! It couldn't have been easy, esp. as the idea of being snarked isn't an easy thing to take.

Kudos all around!


Anonymous said...

Spangley hopping love-bunnies to you, Miss Snark. *smooch*