HH Com 620

Mary thinks she’s just having a very bad year after her best friend and colleague Jane Clark is murdered just days after Mary’s husband died in an industrial accident. Returning to work as a secretary at Smith and Jones’s law firm, she discovers some files are missing, shortly followed by Jane’s boss Mr. Smith. Clients are murdered and their bodies are left on the steps of the firm’s offices. Mary’s own boss, Mr. Jones, starts to act odder than normal and to top it all someone tries to mow her down on her way home. The police are noticeable by their absence and Mary believes that they are totally clueless.

Mary begins a desperate search for the truth aided by Jane’s nephew Joe, who is the police’s prime suspect in the death of his aunt. As they dig through the layers of lies and deceit, they discover that the killer is a client who is desperate to recover a document from the archive. They also discover that nothing is what it appears to be at the law firm. Mr. Smith and Mr. Jones aren’t exactly lawyers and in fact aren’t even who they say they are.

Too much, too much. Pare down. Start over. Use the XYZ form to figure out what you need to have and leave out the rest.


Anonymous said...

There's something about the grammar, sentence structure, and word choice/repetitions in the opening paragraph that puts me off. I wouldn't read this. The writing is clunky and irritating. And all the names are boring (Jane, Mary, Smith, Jones, Joe.)

And a law firm where the partners aren't even lawyers? Not believable.

I can't tell about the rest of the story. It just sounds like it's overdone on a superficial level, without any real characterization.

We're all trying our best. These are just my opinions, for what they're worth. Hope these comments help you. Good luck.

Anonymous said...

Be careful of writing things like: "starts to act odder than normal."

Katie Alender said...

To address a very basic point -- at some point, this poor woman is going to give up caring. If everyone she loves is dead, she will probably sink into the depths of despair for a few years before getting vigilante about it.

Anonymous said...

Could these character names be any more generic?

Anonymous said...

Yeah, the names are so generic that I was starting to wonder if the lawyers weren't lawyers because they were actually the rulers of the Pleasantville-type alternate reality where this story is taking place, which exists only inside the brain of megalomaniac best-selling author Hubert Prunesquallor. Or, y'know, something like that.

If there really is a twist coming up, put it in the hook!