HH Com 633

The last time Ro saw Mickey Sguglia he'd just put a bullet into her twin brother Luca's head. Tonight he's been invited to dinner.
Twenty-year-old Ro is the youngest daughter of Alfredo Bellidonno, the east coast's most powerful crime boss. She's bitter, violent, and hasn't said a word in seven years. Why bother when nobody seems to hear you? Sure Fredo wiped out the independant crew believed to be at fault for Luca's murder, but when Ro tried to tell him that the killer wasn't among them, he called it impossible. She tried until she was hoarse, but all she got was a hug. "It's natural to be angry when someone dies."
Sguglia hasn't risked coming back for nothing. Killing Alfredo and his son Max, the heir apparent, won't be easy, but Sguglia knows exactly how to do it. The Bellidonno empire is a gem, and if all goes as planned, he'll have it for himself.
It's revenge versus ambition, and before the story's over, one of them will make themselves heard.

It always kills me (ha) when someone who seems to be a good writer is doing a topic or motif I'm really past caring about. This is one of them. Organized crime blchh. Revenge and ambition are eternal, but made guys in Brooklyn are not.


Anonymous said...

I'd be careful about using the name Fredo, especially in a mafia/crime/italian themed book since the name was made famous by the Godfather movies.

Virginia Miss said...

Suggestion for your hook:

Omit the stuff after "Why bother when nobody seems to hear you?" or at least re-write it so it's more succinct.

Also, don't switch back and forth between Alfredo and Fredo. For those of us not living and breathing your characters, we may need to read this twice to figure out they're the same person.

You might not need to name Max in the hook.

Good luck finding a publisher.

Anonymous said...

Here's how I interpreted your first two lines:

"The last time Ro (male character) saw Mickey Sguglia he'd (Ro had) just put a bullet into her (Mickey's -- short for Michelle) twin brother Luca's head. Tonight he's (Ro's) been invited to dinner."

I was pulled right in, but then I hit the 3rd sentence and it all blew up on me. I had to go back and reread a couple of times until I got everyone straightened out. It was kind of a weird experience.

And speaking of names: I was also thrown off by the Alfredo/Fredo thing. Love the name Sguglia, though.

I probably wouldn't read the book because I have an aversion to Mafia stories, but I like your writing style.