HH Com 638

'Respected member of the fashionable Rhiaton Crowd or vow-breaking maverick' was not a dilemma Kinush had expected to shape his career as a mage.

When Kinush qualifies as a teacher of magic, the Crowd of mages who dominate the city of Rhiaton begin to take a renewed interest in him. Acceptance by the Crowd turns out to be not just a matter of testing young mages and teasing secrets from ancient battlefields; it comes at the price of accepting any joke against oneself, however vicious its form. Like his friend Meriok, whose prospects of advancement are shattered by a single act of thougthlessness, Kinush finds the thought unpalatable; unlike his friend, he is not willing to run away, though the vicious beating that follows Meriok's disappearance serves to change his mind.
During his search for Meriok, Kinush experiences the hatred for magic that the arrogance of the Rhiaton Crowd has sown. Breaking their hold over Rhiaton's mages becomes his priority. To fulfill that goal, he is willing to associate with almost any mage, including those who should, by tradition, be his enemies, but their assistance comes at a price...

There's both too much and too little here. Use the XYZ formula to focus on what we need to know. Then wave yuour magic wand over it to make it your own.


Anonymous said...

I found this confusing.

You set up the dilemma in the first sentence, but then it gets lost. What is the dilemma?

Kinush becomes a teacher of magic. To become a respected member of the fashionable Rhiaton Crowd, he has to do things that are unpalatable-like accept jokes against himself, even vicious ones.

He sees his friend Meriok lose out on any prospect of advancement. Meriok runs away. The Crowd beats up Kinush. Kinush runs away.

Kinush looks for Meriok. Kinush encounters people who hate magic.

Kinush decides to upset the Crowd's control over magic (and regain some respect for magic from the people).

Kinush hooks up with other mages to accomplish this goal. Some of them would be his traditional enemies. Now he's got other problems, like can he trust them.

But by now, I'm not sure what is the central conflict or story problem.

What vow might he break? Where does he become a maverick? What is the story (Kinush's) dilemma? Is it deciding to fight against the Crowd? Or is it whether he'll win? What important does Meriok have to the story (other than getting Kinush out of the central city into the bushland where he encounters those who dislike magic)? Does Kinush ever find him?

And remember Miss Snark's dislike of nameless, faceless evil. The R. Crowd sounds a lot like that.

Good luck.

Inkwolf said...

I get the story--the outcast and blackballed magicians of Rhiaton are going to band together to overthrow the clique that excluded them and made everyone else loathe magicians.

I think I'd like to see something bigger and badder in a fantasy novel, though. This sounds like a frat house war. I just don't particularly care if Meriok wins, especially if some of his questionable allies are just as big of jerks as the Crowd. It doesn't seem like a battle that will significantly make serious changes to life in Rhiaton, you know what I mean?

It also seems it will all take place in one POPULATED city, which sort of cuts the budget on cool locales, awesome monsters, explosions and edge-of-your-seat battles. I mean, sure, you'll have the wizard duel to end all wizard duels, but for what? Squabbling over who gets to run the magic show in one city? There has to be a reason the Crowd need to be overthrown other than "They're a bunch of A-holes."

The problem is that the stock reason for overthrowing groups of wizards is that they're always just about to open a rift to another world and bring out some horrible demon that will destroy the universe, so you probably don't want to use that storyline, either.

Anyway, just my opinions...

Twill said...

Actually, I thought that this was an extremely interesting story line, and not one done to death.

I think the political/frat boy aspect of the novel is fresh and interesting - not another "saving the world from terrible (yawn) unspeakable (sigh) evil".