HH Com 641

"Fabbo, you're awake." The spirit snapped her compact mirror shut and twirled around in her micro-mini-skirt. She popped the mirror and a frosted pink lippy into a dinky crocheted bag. "Now, what do you know about exorcisms?"

I didn't panic. This was obviously a post-bump dream, right? "You tell me, you're the ghostie," I croaked.

Three months before her fourteenth birthday, Kat's an average, mostly normal adolescent with a vivid imagination. Following a mild concussion, Kat's transformed from a 'dreamer' to a 'doer' - foreseeing the future and chatting to ghosts. Reluctantly.

Her grandmother hasn't quite 'passed on'. Before progressing to a higher realm, Gram returns to help Kat with a vital decision that will affect her destiny. Unfortunately, the 'how, when and what' part isn't clear.

Kat's father leaves for a younger woman, ghosts barge in, willy-nilly, demanding help and the school Brat Pack summon up the evil dead.

Life sucks when you're a teenage psychic.

Too much, and not enough. Life sucks when you're a teenager, period. What's the problem here? The "vital decision" needs to be spelled out as does why she wants whatever it is she wants and what's going to happen if she gets/doesn't get it.


Virginia Miss said...

I was lost at first, then figured out we've got some first person excerpt followed by third person "hook." Not sure you need to include "Fabbo you're awake", not very compelling.

Sounds like this could be interesting, but Miss Snark is right (of course) that we need to know a bit more about what Kat's being asked to do. Good luck re-writing your hook.

Anonymous said...

Parts of this I liked. "Her grandmother hasn't quite 'passed on.'" That's a line I like.

I really dislike being transformed from a "dreamer to a doer"--this just turned me off.

I like that she can foresee the future and chat to ghosts.

But the hook makes it sound like your story isn't written. (the how and when part isn't clear--to whom? the author? the reader? Kat?) You tell us that it's a vital decision, but we have no clue what it's even about.

Some parts of the story are heartbreakingly based in a real world (Kat's father leaves for a younger woman) and other parts are totally wacked out paranormal (the Brat Pack summon up the evil dead). This aspect fascinates me.

BTW, the Brat Pack are a group of actors and actresses from the 1980's. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brat_Pack
Is that who you mean?

Hope these random comments help.
Good luck.

Anonymous said...

Dear Virginia miss and xiqay,

Thanks for the positive input. Your comments are gratefully received. I've loved the HHC and wish it could be every month but don't tell MS.

After reading the first posted hooks, I panicked and took out the vital decision part because it didn't sound 'hooky' enough: save a bully's family at the risk of losing her soul mate or deny her visions and secure her own happiness.

The school in-crowd are called the Bratz Pack (a play on Rat Pack and Bratz dolls) but again, I changed it at the last minute.

Thanks to you and Miss Snark, I have a better idea of hookability. Happy New Year!