HH Com 646

Joining the army is the only thing Rufae ever really wanted to do with his life. He didn’t realize that it would be quite so hard. He’s commanding a group of men who think he’s an idiot. They’re fighting a war that no one understands, but no one bothers to question. And every time he closes his eyes, he dreams that he’s a Prince.

Guided by one of his men in an arcane ritual for good luck ends up propelling half his soul across the mountain border and back thousands of years. Back to the point when there was no war between these two countries.

Balancing his life as a soldier and his life in the body of the Crown Prince, Iosir, he realizes that he can change history, if he wants to. He can end this war before it even started. Only, though, if he can coordinate two armies thousands of years apart, desert his army without being caught to go to the capital, and convince the Emperor that he’s not utterly insane. And as Prince, he must lead a delegation across the mountain borders and across a land full of people he knows will kill them on sight, just out of principle.

But what Rufae neglects to consider is what might happen to his world if they never had the war that defined them.

Too much description, not enough focus. Use the XYZ to get focused, then start over.


Virginia Miss said...

Congrats on giving us a description of a fantasy that isn't full of incomprehensible made-up words, although your names could be a bit easier to pronounce :)

The concept grabs me, but thousands of years is going back pretty far for me to swallow "he can end this war before it started." Going back a shorter span of time makes more sense for that.

I like the idea of juggling the two lives, how history affects the present, and I especially like this:

But what Rufae neglects to consider is what might happen to his world if they never had the war that defined them.

Anonymous said...

I like this. It isn't full of the usual fantasy blather of made up names and places and magic. I might pick this up. I love the idea of two lives.

Anonymous said...

Terrific. Made me want to read it.

Kat said...

I agree that this could be tightened up -- but I really, really like the idea. Very different -- I like the idea of him being able to stop a war by coordinating armies across time. I'd read this in a heartbeat.

Anonymous said...

But if he ends the war before it starts, why is he still directing an army in his original present? Shouldn't the focus be on what he's doing in the past?

Okay, yes, time travel novels always make my head hurt, but I don't think this is an unreasonable reaction.

MWT said...

This one sounds really cool. I wouldn't change the hook much at all, actually, as it conjures up all sorts of images for me as-is. Maybe tighten and polish here and there, but keep the same structure.

Inkwolf said...

I agree, this one sounds unique and interesting. Sorry your hook didn't make it. I'd really be interested in seeing some pages. Hope you get it published!

Anonymous said...

I'm intrigued. Original, complicated, ominous. I agree with virginia miss, though- a shorter span of time would make more sense. It depends on how different you want to make the two worlds, I suppose.

Anonymous said...

Just a note - when I read the name "Iosir", my brain decided to interpret that collection of letters as "loser".

It probably wouldn't have happened if I had my web browser set to another font, however. :-D