HH Com 656

Jonathan Smite – a veritable messiah in the world of corporate conquest. He sits upon his throne as CEO of AIR Corp., a vast media empire built from the ground up by his own relentless ambition and business-savvy. Smite’s brainchild and the success of AIR is built off of the Welcome Bot, a computerized companion designed to listen to, commiserate with, and give advice on the day-to-day frustrations of middle-class America. What began as a faceless manikin is now customizable in any form the customer pleases. The idea is that you walk through the door and you’ve got Marilyn Monroe greeting you and asking how your day was, or George Clooney asking what great injustice that asshole boss of yours committed today. It’s the ultimate solution to people not wanting to listen to each other’s problems.

Now, having amassed an enormous amount of wealth and high on power, Smite embarks on a quest for glorious revenge. Revenge for what? Everything. From affronts visited upon him by his third grade teacher to his fiancé never appearing at the altar. There is no crime too petty, no insult forgotten. Stylizing himself a modern day Count of Monte Cristo and idolizing everything from the protagonists of 15th century Chinese literature to comic-book superheroes, Smite contrives elaborate schemes to ensnare his enemies. Unfortunately for Smite, all-encompassing revenge isn’t quite so easy as the great Edmond Dantes made it look.

Well, the Count of Monte Cristo was written by Alexandre Dumas (pere) so you might be better off using the author rather than the character to describe how something was made to look easy.

What you have here is backstory and description, not a hook.
Use the XYZ to figure out your elements. Then off to the races.


Novelust said...

Um, correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't Dumas write about a guy who had a really good reason to be seeking revenge?

This guy sounds like a Grade-A jerk. If this is the story of a Grade-A jerk getting petty revenge, it better be funny as hell. Why do I care about this man or how he was wronged at all?

Anonymous said...

I must have a sick mind -- I really want to read this!

Anonymous said...

Thanks, Miss Snark! I'm sure most of us who submitted could guess what you would say after reading the first 50-100 or so. I've definitely got an idea of how to write a hook now.

I figured the name of the story was more recognizeable than Dumas himself, maybe not.

novelust -- Dantes had very good reasons for seeking revenge (and I was kind of playing off that with petty revenge), but I'm not so sure he's generally considered a likeable character. Innocents are killed/ruined because of his actions and he literally considers himself the hand of god.

I understand your point though and a better written hook would have implied a change in character.

Virginia Miss said...

I knew someone would work George Clooney into their hook!

Anonymous said...

Right. One day Donald Trump decides he will take *revenge* or something.

Not buying it.

Saw the bot in the movie Serenity. Her dishy owner married her. Wouldn't mind having one myself if it looked like McGyver.

But Trump going Monte Cristo on the world? He'd fire himself for that one.

Anonymous said...

I'm having trouble with the name "Smite," given that he wants to smite his enemies. Don't know if that would be an issue for anyone else...

(Congrats on working George Clooney in so smoothly! This is definitely an example of having researched your agent beforehand, like we're always being told to do, LOL.)

Inkwolf said...

...by the way, if I bought a celebrity look-alike android guaranteed to relieve day-to-day stress and cheer me up, I'd expect a lot more from it than 'Welcome home, honey." >:)

Anonymous said...

I have a problem with the last name "Smite" too... it just seems like too much of a blatant plot point that his name is smite and he wants to smite his enemies. The name gave me a double-take. Unless you make a point of tying in his last name in the book, I'd suggest changing it.
The book itself sounds intriguing- it seems like it's written from the antagonists viewpoint.