HH COM 663

A story of lost loves, found glory, and business treachery.

Time is running out for Dan to save the business that took his family sixty years to build. Kelly’s lifework crumbles around her. Mike thinks he’ll always be the guy watching the world from the sidelines. Mark dies just when his dream of playing football for the National Football League seemed within reach.

Then a letter lost for twenty years arrives and sends the game of life into overtime. It all comes down to a desperate financial gamble, a football game for the ages, and the emotional reunion of four friends who could not be separated by time, distance or even death. All this “team” needed was a little more time than reality normally grants us.

Dan seemed to be leading a charmed life as a highly successful CEO until a ruthless venture capitalist sets his sights on taking the company over. Dan and his beautiful chief financial officer need one miracle to save the company and another to fall in love.

You have a series of descriptions and some blather about events. Even if you have four main characters you have to be specific about something, and my guess is that it would be the letter.

Right now I don't have a clue what this book is about and that's a bad bad thing in a query letter.

What's the event? What decisions does it require? What are the consequences for failure.

Start over.


Anonymous said...

Having both a MArk and a Mike was confusing for me.

Anonymous said...

But Mark dies! Or was that Mike? How does a dead guy figure into the count?

Anonymous said...

I'm guessing this is Dan's story. He's the first character named and the last paragraph echoes the first sentence of the fact-part of the pitch with his basic story.

I'm also guessing that Kelly is the beautiful financial officer he wants to fall in love with.

I haven't a clue how Mike and Mark figure into the story or what the NFL has to do with it.

And the reference to the "game of life" is trite and meaningless.

Then you have the reunion of 4 friends, but doesn't Kelly work as the CFO and isn't Mark dead?

There's no storytelling sense in this hook. And a hook has to tell a story, or at least enough of it to make us want to read the rest.

Lost love, found glory and business treachery is telling and hype. Just use simple sentences and tell us your basic story. Check Miss Snark's xyz recipe for this.

Good luck.