HH Com 675

In the fantasy novel Amethyst:

As daughter to Perdonia's most hated hero, Grace O'Toole has always been an outcast. But on stepping into Maurland Institute's room 309 one day, suicidal redemption beckons. She and her classmate Daniel Larke discover that the men truly behind the ancient Amethyst's theft-and her father's murder-are mages who've betrayed the Castelonian Church, seeking glory for another religious sect. And holy men can be vicious killers. Their faction is vying for political supremacy, and they're willing to butcher their way to the throne.

But in its quest for power, the mages' sect tries to siphon magic from the Abyss and accidentally cracks the seal. If the evil beyond the breach breaks free, it won't matter which religion controls Perdonia. Fraught with corruption and chaos, Castelonian leaders are helpless to prevent apocalypse. Only by unveiling the secrets of her father's death can Grace bring Perdonia salvation.

this is cluttered, clunky and confusing.

I'm not sure why people avoid straightforward sentences like: Grace O'Toole has been an outcast since the death of her father-Perdonia's most hated hero. THAT form brings our attention to the best phrase "most hated hero" and doesn't obscure it in a subordinate clause that we race by when trying to find the subject of the sentence. It also naturally leads to the next sentence (which is not that thing about 309) but is instead "she and her classmate Daniel discover".

Start over.


Virginia Miss said...

Oooh, I like Miss Snark's suggested beginning for this.

Author, try to explain the situation without giving us too much confusing detail (although it wouldn't hurt to tell us a bit more about the amethyst other than it's ancient). I got lost with Abyss and seal. Do you mean, "In their quest for power, the mages accidentally damage the Amethyst, thereby..." threatening the world with whatever?

Is "unveiling the secrets of her father's death" something Grace desires or fears?

Anonymous said...

This is crammed with confusing information.

You've got a lot of the right elements, but they aren't ordered properly and, worse yet, they don't flow smoothly.

Anonymous said...

After Grace's discovery, she doesn't seemed to be mentioned again. What role does she play? What does she do? What challenges does she face?

I liked the line about holy men being killers, but perhaps you could continue with Grace.

chachi said...

People write convoluted sentences because they're trying so hard to sound like writers. Tres sad.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for reviewing my hook! Actually, I'd already started rewriting by the time I got to #250 or so, because I started to see what was wrong with mine. So, thanks for reviewing ALL the hooks, not just mine!