HH Com 677 (247)

When the body of a woman is found at the bottom of the pit meant for the Las Vegas Centennial Time Capsule with a stake through her heart, and her canines ripped out, Detective Jace Winters and her partner, Gideon Jones, are called in to investigate. What looks like an illegal vampire killing turns out to be anything but when the victim ends up being human. When another body turns up and then another, Jace and Gideon know they have a serial killer stalking vampires and humans alike in Las Vegas.

With Christmas just around the corner, Jace has her hands full between working Homicide and finding time to shop for her twelve year old daughter, Rose. Jace just wanted to be a good mom and a good cop. She didn’t ask to become a vampire. Sleeping all day, and being forced to work nights aren’t the only problems she has because of it. She’s forced to deal with the Department of Supernatural Affairs and the government who have rules for vampires and the other supernaturals that walk among us. They’ve taken Rose away, and given custody of her to Jace’s cheating ex-husband. Her partner’s girlfriend wants him to switch to the day shift, so they can build a life together. And Denver Sinclair, her vampire mentor, a down-on-his-luck conman with a need to gamble not only with his money but his life, is in trouble again when he gets a pair of blood stained fangs in the mail.

Much as I love cross genre stuff (and am looking hard for the next Charlie Huston) this doesn't have enough zip to get my blood (ha) boiling. Sharpen it up. Focus-lose description and gain action.

I like this, but you're going to need to show me some plot.


BernardL said...

This would need to be very funny, because people living with vampires under a set of rules would make for some real problems. Are signs posted stating the vamps can only feed during certain hours, or the normals can only stake 'em if they get too far out of line?

Virginia Miss said...

This hook feels cluttered. Do you need to mention the partner?
Try cutting out the night shift/day shift stuff it's not too compelling. Tighten some language: "The Department of Supernatural Affairs takes Rose away and grants custody to her cheating ex."
If there are rules governing supernaturals, give an interesting example of one she's broken.

Good luck.

Anonymous said...

This is a character sketch and set-up. Hooks need to be more plot-oriented.

Also, I found this confusing:

"Her partner’s girlfriend wants him to switch to the day shift, so they can build a life together."

Who is this sentence referring to? And why would that help anything? Also, isn't this so side-plot-y as to not be worth mentioning in a query?

angie said...

This could be good, but it doesn't feel like it's focused yet. A lot of scene setting and character sketching - it's a bit chaotic. Seems like you're bringing up too many sub-plots for me to tell what the main thrust of the story is (finding the serial killer, Jace getting custody of her daughter back, or Jace dealing with being a vampire). Once that's been cleaned up, though, it could be a fun read.

Zany Mom said...

Hmmm. CSI + vampires. Interesting. :)

Anonymous said...

Sooon as I read "vampire" I stopped reading. Sorry, author!

Leah said...

It needs to be more focused, but I really like the idea. This is the best vampire hook yet.

If the first few paragraphs were jacket copy, I would pick this up.

Anonymous said...

Interesting concept but....

Tighten, tighten, tighten. If the pages are as wordy as this hook, I'd fall asleep before getting past the body.

Pretty much every sentence's information could be conveyed in approximately half the words, thus conveying some of the 'zip' Miss S desires.