RIP Brady Westwater

"So, when's the next crapomter?"
(Brady Westwater, comments trail)

Grandmother Snark: "Miss Snark?"

MS: Yes Grandmother Snark?

GS: There is a large steaming vat on my stove.

MS: Yes Grandmother Snark. I had to borrow your vat and stove after that dreadful misunderstanding with FDNY about New Yorker storage.

GS: There appear to be three people stirring it and mumbling.

MS: Witches. Imported witches.

GS: Funny, they look like Vespa riding thugs.

MS: Not surprising since they are Vespa riding thugs.

GS: And what are these items on the floor? A large hat? Spurs?

MS: All that remains of a certain Brady Westwater.

GS: ohhhhh, I've heard of him. Writer fella, isn't he?

MS: Was. He is now past tense.

GS: You vatted Brady Westwater? Why on earth?

MS: -pointing silently to macintosh screen-

GS: oh dear dog, he didn't.

MS: he did.

GS: he's lucky you only vatted him.

MS: Second choice was letting him read round two. He begged for the vat.

GS: Well, vat's that.


BernardL said...

As you know, this isn't a hook. It's a first page. Witches, vats... yawn. :)

HawkOwl said...

Honestly, what I like best about your blog is your dialogues. Especially KY's lines. I'm still laughing about "Dog! Dog! Dental floss!" Maybe because it's the same rhythm as "milk, milk, lemonade."

angie said...


I'd read on...

Inez said...

Holy Snark Soup, Vat man!
While he's simmering, have at that
pail of gin, wave a magnum of
champagne over it, and best wishes for a delightful new year.
And thanks.
A ton

Anonymous said...

driven mad by the crapometer their leader survived with barely a scuff on her stilettos, snarklings like lemmings became suicidal in droves...

gtueld--the afterlife for those who teased Miss Snark

Brady Westwater said...

Hey - it was so obvious a 'question' SOMEONE had to ask it...

And least you got the antagonist/protagonist part right this time....

Anonymous said...

Miss Snarkling endorses the boiling of sarcastic authors, but the missing antagonist fails to save this piece from the stew.

Review the Hook Me Up recipe and for the love of the FDNY calendar, let Grandma do the cooking.

(I call dibs on the hat, spurs, and Mr. July.)

von Klick said...

So... you never answered Brad's question.

When *IS* the next Crapometer?


Anonymous said...

Miss Snark uses a mac?

<3 <3

Anonymous said...

So sorry, Brady -- and I see Bartholomew's in there now, too, doing the backstroke -- I didn't mean what I said about xyz alphabet soup. It's gone to Miss Snark's head.

Inez? Inez? There are two Inezes on this list? Holy stereovision goggles, zapman. We should at least get a free turn in Scrabble for using up the Zs.


Anonymous said...

Snarkling 1: I see that Miss Snark's sense of humor is still in tact. Amazing, don't you think.

Snarkling 2: Yeah. And good. It might help when she reads my pages.

Snarkling 1: She asked for your pages? She didn't ask for mine.

Snarkling 2: Well, my hook must have been better than yours.

Snarkling 1: Nah. No way. Impossible.
Miss Snark just needed some crap to snark at in the pages portion of the Happy Hooker. She's a smart cookie. She knows that niceness gets old fast.

Snarkling 2: Uhm. Uhm.

Snarkling 1: You're gonna end up in that vat with Brady. Or maybe she'll feed you to KY.

Snarkling 2: Uhm. Uhm.

Snarkling 1: Can I have your silver dragon ring? And the wrimo coffee mug?

none said...

So, does KY get to lick the vat out?

Anonymous said...

While it breaks all the rules of a hook, I cannot help but be drawn in...(and also thinking this is a play and not a novel at all. Which means it broke rules not even delineated...more power to the author).

I sense the humorous overtones and sinister characterization...rather than being hit over the head with them. With just a few words, I have a clear picture of the characters, the plotline, even the body parts being stirred in the vat. I'd ask for pages...but, of course, I would *never* suffer through the slush pile to get here.

Which begs the question, why did I read every post? It's the learning, grasshopper. When you can take the keyboard from my hand, it'll be time for you to leave."

Off to try (again) to write my own hook...many thanks to Miss Snark for her instructional pains--and to the many writers out there who took their shot thus giving us an amazing opportunity to learn. Go, all other readers, and do likewise...


Maggie Robinson/Margaret Rowe said...

So was that the last nitwit question of the year? I'm sure there will be many more to come in 2007. Thanks for the dependable high-quality humor and help. Happy New Year.

Anonymous said...

Does anyone really know who Brady Westwater really is?

Anonymous said...

Get me to the church on time......

We worried that 2006 was such a busy year for juicy gossip there wouldn't be anything left for 2007. But, Nikki "Psychic to the Stars" predicts the New Year will have plenty of celebrity news to keep us talking.

George Clooney
Nikki Predicts: George will win another Oscar for producing directing and acting in a future film. He will also do some Shakespeare and I see him getting married within 24 months ...

Does KY have a tux?


Mindy Tarquini said...

Don't forget the onions.

Divine Bird said...

It's pretty amazing, when you think about it--we all just had THE crash course on hook-writing and the subtle differences beetween what a hook should be and what it shouldn't be. I feel like I learned more here than I ever did in college. :D

Of course, at my college, there were no creative writing courses, only journalism. A bit different, but still.

Happy New Year, Miss Snark and all you Snarklings out there! Hope you get to spend it safely and in whatever way you like best. :D *I*, for one, will be hanging out watching anime with my husband and another couple, sipping sparkling cider at midnight. :D


Brady Westwater said...

As evidence of Miss Snark's humor skills, she edited my straight line (which I knew she would be totally unable to resist....) of "So when's the next Crapometer? to "So, when's the next Crapotmeter?".

And the timing of her comma, made it a lot funnier than I had originally written it.

I once heard Jon Rivers lecture on comedy when I was at UCLA and she told the same joke twice. The first time it got moderate laughter, the second time, very loud laughter - even though we had just heard the same joke and the exact same punch line.

But she had reversed the order of two of the words in the set-up the second time - and that change in timing was what made the joke funnier.

And as for who I am....


Anonymous said...

Am I the only whose heart seized upon seeing the title?

Me: Oh, God, no. I didn't even know him. His poor family. And during the holidays, too. How awful.

*reads on*

Me: Oh. Duh.

Anonymous said...

He was a brave soul, Brady was. May he rest in pieces.

But I call dibs on the wishbone.

And hey, at least Miss Snark had plenty of witches to call on. I never knew there were so many demon, witch, monster stories in the works out there.

Think I'll go start a comedy.

Happy New Year all.

Anonymous said...

Miss Snark, you are a gentleman and a scholar.

(AND NOT NICE, either! So no getting mad!)

Anonymous said...

Grandmother Snark calls Miss Snark "Miss Snark"?

C'mon, spill it: I'm sure she's got a cute little nickname for her favorite granddaughter.

I'm thinking "Snarkette."

*runs and hides behind Bartholomew*

Anonymous said...

Oooh, am I glad I didn't finish my sentence in the comments for Crapometer status Wednesday. Is there room for two in the vat?

Bernita said...

A Cautionary Tale.
Happy New Year, Miss Snark Dear.
Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Grandmother Snark calls Miss Snark "Miss Snark"?

Obviously, "Miss" is her first name, a female variant of the ol' southern first name "Mister".

none said...

Happy Snarking in the New Year!

Anonymous said...

Oh, Brady, Brady...

The wounds are still raw! How could you rub gin in them so soon?

Let the poor woman heal first.

magz said...

See ya next year, oh Misguided Magnanimous Mentor 'O Mine!

(Yer a much braver lass than I; my eyes hurt post COM, and I didnt even haveta comment on each one!)
Please Ma'am; take a break and enjoy the peace and quiet of the 212 on New Years Eve.. Hoppy Gnu Yee-Ha-Ear to both Miss Snarl-- I mean Snark &
the Kooler Yipp, from Magz Niff & the Rot(tonnest) Sisters

Anonymous said...

Do writers have a saint? If they don't I nominate Miss Snark. Saint Snark has kind of a nice ring to it--and damned if the title doesn't fit! (I can't believe you hung in there, Miss Snark.)

Did I read every single entry? Nope. I read Miss Snark's comments first, then decided whether or not to scroll up. I definitely read the hooks she liked.

That was all my brain could handle, which is why I'm a writer and not an agent. This exercise has upped my respect for *good* agents bigtime.

Anonymous said...

Happy New year Miss Snark, KY,and Grandma: may the champange be chilled, the chocolates many and the caviar Sevruga.

I thank you for all your hard work! I'm amazed you're stil standing!

Southern Writer said...

Here simmers Brady Westwater. He cooked with his boots on.

McKoala said...

Yum. Pass me a bowl of Brady.

JPD said...

"I'm NEVER doing this many again." Miss Snark, 12/30/06.

Again? Like, next week, or do you mean the second week in January?


Anonymous said...

oh goody. now it's the RIPometer. c'mon everyone, let's jump into the vat and up the count.